My L!F3~*

A start of something new

2011-03-06T22:16:00.005+08:00

It has been some time since I last blogged. Much things have happened....

I am now working as an auditor in Deloitte, one of the Big4 firms. This is a job which I have never ever expected to be given! Remember when I first blogged about my future career? I totally blocked out Auditor from my choice of selection. However, God does things in surprising ways, He always give us what we have never expected! Somehow, it was the thing that we hated the most but it turned out to be the best thing that has happened in your life!

My work place is in Malacca, how lucky I was to be offered an auditing job in Malacca with a good salary. Being near with my family, church and friends, I have never ever felt so blessed! My job is always moving around. I will travel from one client's place to another to audit their accounts, which totally suited my nomad lifestyle. I get to experience different style of working and get to work in different environment.

Working in such an environment has enabled me to go to places. I've drove up to PJ for a full week's training in my Kancil and coming next week, I will be taking my dad's Toyota Vios down to JB for a week's of field work. I'm actually more stressed out to use my dad's car than my Kancil. Reason is mainly due to the fact that I don't own the car. I am so used to handling my manual car, now for me to change to an auto-high powered Vios, I'm super worried.

Sometimes I really envied my other friends which somehow managed to live their lives without the need to drive to outstation all the time. Somehow or rather, they will have a driver which is willing to fetch them to go anywhere, be in in the form of a bf or colleagues. I've always been the not so lucky one. I always ended up with no choice but to drive up to outstations alone or be the 'driver' of those 'lucky souls'... Yes, I am frustrated, but to think from a positive point, I'm becoming more independent now. At least in future, I have no problem to travel far.

Starting from tomorrow, I will be taking my dad's Vios to work. I have to start training myself to use his car, if not how am I going to cope with the traffic on the highway to JB next Sunday? Everything is so new for me. My dad's car, a new route to work and a new working environment! Honestly, I'm worried, but at the same time I'm very excited about my next adventure! I can't wait to meet up with my L2M friends in JB and to go around JB to try out their food, and of course, to visit some nice places. Hopefully, I can get to meet Fr Chris before he leaves for Rome!

Worries will always remain as worries. Each day we are given a different set of them! As per Fr Eddie," Don't worry of what comes tomorrow, for there are enough worries for one day!". So, I'm going to surrender all my worries to God in the form of prayer this whole week and also the week when I'm in JB. I pray for a strong heart, courage and also safety. Amen.

Father's Love Letter

2010-08-26T01:32:00.003+08:00

Today, as I was tidying up my cupboard, I found this chord book filled with 'Praise and Worship' songs. It was very updated even though it was printed in 2007. The songs that were included inside were complete!!!

As I was flipping through the book, I found one page about 'Father's love Letter'. I was straightaway stunned on the spot because I once received this letter during my YE Camp. I was only Form 4 at that time. When I got the envelope with the letter in it, I was so touched! After reading through the letter, my heart felt a gush of warmness. It was how God will talk to his children. So, I'm taking this opportunity to share this 'Father's Love Letter' here in my blog. Hopefully, His message and love will touch your hearts!

My Child...

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you ~ Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up ~ Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways ~ Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered ~ Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image ~ Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being ~ Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring ~ Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived ~ Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation ~ Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book ~ Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live ~ Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb ~ Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born ~ Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me ~ John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love ~ 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you ~ 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father ~ 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father ~ Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand ~ James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ~ Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love ~ Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ~ Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing ~ Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you ~ Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession ~ Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul ~ Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things ~ Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me ~ Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires ~ Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine ~ Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager ~ 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you ~ Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart ~ Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes ~ Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth ~ Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus ~ John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed ~ John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being ~ Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you ~ Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you ~ 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love ~ Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me ~ 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again ~ Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen ~ Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father ~ Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is ~ Will you be my child? ~ John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you ~ Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad,

Almighty God

Crossroads

2010-05-20T12:07:00.004+08:00

Everybody faces crossroads every now and then. Same goes to me. At the age of 12, I chose whether to follow my friends to St.David's High School or some other more renown school in Malacca. Then at the age of 16, I wonder whether should I venture into arts or science stream. At the age of 18, I wonder which University should I go and which course should I major in. Finally at this stage, I am at the crossroad of choosing my career path. Our lives are made up of all kinds of choices, each leading to a different turning. Then these turnings will lead to another turnings with different obstacles, that's how life is.

At this stage of finally managed to pull through all the exams, finally I have finished my degree course! Yes, finally! But now, I am facing the dilemma of which career line to pursue. I am an Accounting grad, I own a full accounting cert; but deep in my heart, I know accounting isn't my cup of tea. One of the main reason was the experience I had during my 6 months of training last year. Everyday, I dragged myself back to work. Day and night I was being terrified by the numbers! Any single unbalanced figures gave me shivers and trembles, and I will be horrified and go super stressed out for the whole day trying to find the missing figures! Even at night, I had nightmares of me being unable to balance up my balance sheet! Oh ya, not to forget the Dr and Cr entries, I never got them right. So, my 6 months of torment flew by and by the end of the day, I told myself firmly that an accountant's life isn't what I want.

Now, I have a full Accounting Degree cert. A lot of people has come to tell me that how fortunate I am to own this cert because it is a professional cert. Hell ya I know! But do they know that to get the cert is tough and to practice it is even tougher? An accountant's life is forever bounded in front of the laptop. We wear glasses so that we can see the figures clearer and our fingers are never leaving our calculators, then our brain is always constantly thinking on how to balance up the figures and to check it with the current tax laws and whatsoever! 9-5 is impossible when it comes to peak periods, you will have to work around the clock! Accountants are very tough people. That's the fact of an Accounting life. No life + constant stress = a lot of gray hair!

But here I am, I know my true self. I am a more outgoing person. I enjoy talking to people, smiling at them and to promote stuffs is my strong point. I like to move around and can't be bound in front of the computer for 8 hours! I knew I had the problem of concentrating when I was training, I had to fidget around just to calm myself down. There and then I enjoy dressing up smartly in my formal and go all out to meet people. There! I'm just this type of a person! Too bad I didn't have noticed it a few years earlier so that I could switch to Marketing and Sales. Yes, honestly I really enjoy doing sales and marketing compare to accounting.

Nobody says accounting is bad, but it's the life that I choose to lead. Now I am at the dilemma of choosing a job which I won't 100% like but the pay will constantly increase; or choosing a job which is a whole new field for me but suits my personality well.

So, I went to talk to my supervisor this morning. He said that's the fact of life. Accountants don't have a life, their life revolves around numbers, working till wee hours and it's a very stressful life indeed. If I were to pursue in this line, I have to face these facts, bear with it and do my best. Then I told him I had another option of being a Sales Rep. He said Medical Rep is a good job, its prospects are good as well and its working time is flexible, the only problem will be, I have to travel a lot.

Then he told me that I have to really think of what I like. He said never waste too much time of doing the things which I know I don't like, he said he didn't like accounting as well and preferred a job with more flexible hours. One thing for sure he said was to ask me to pray to God for guidance. Lastly before I leave, he summed up our discussion by saying," I think you've already quite made up your mind on your job, the Rep sounds very good.". I agreed with him, yes, whenever I hear things of going out and it doesn't have to do with numbers, my heart pumps with joy!

He also said, I have to convince my parents and to give myself a try with this new field. So, I've decided. A Sales Rep I shall be but I will still apply for accounting job, just in case nobody wants me! Lolx~

初恋红豆冰

2010-05-11T16:15:00.005+08:00

如果有一天，哪个人问我，“嘿，大马有哪部电影是能够代表你们大马华人文化的？”，我一定会回答他们说；“那当然是看‘初恋红豆冰’啦！！”

昨天，我闲着没事做，便约了Michelle到MBO那儿去看戏。本来就很想看‘出来红豆冰’的我，终于可以梦想实现了！

很多朋友都问我为什么这么喜欢看这部电影，我说是因为一来是首部FULLY华人制作的电影，二来也是因为里边有许多扬名海外的本地歌手与演员参与演出！

虽然是很期待，但我也不敢抱着太高的Expectation去看，免得失望嘛。。。

哪知道！！！那部戏一开始，我和我朋友便深深地被吸引住了！！！我的天啊！！！戏里边的画面全都好美啊~我想都没想到，原来马来西亚有那么美丽的风景！！！！里边的角色与Settings全都很熟悉，一草一木完完全全地展现出大马一贯迷人的风景！

里边的阿牛演Botak，‘Botak。。Botak'这样叫着，令我回想起以前小时候讥笑别人的时候！'打架鱼’，令我想起以前回婆婆家的时候，看着表哥们比谁的打架鱼强！哈哈，我就这样地深深地爱上这一部戏~

其实不止是我以上所说的那些，还有很多很多的华人文化涌在一起。当中有华人Kopitiam，炒果条，半熟蛋，槟城的周桥，赌坊。。。还有那些像马六甲的百年老屋。。。我简直没想到，原来我每天生活的点点滴滴与生活环境，原来在戏里面，是那么的Unique！

‘打架鱼’穿的木屐，就像我外婆每次穿的那双，红红的，走起路来‘格啦。。。格啦’叫。。。买万字的那些Aunties很像那些平常我在咖啡店见到的那些Aunties，什么东西都可以拿来买字！坐在窗边的那位老AhPek，就像那些每天都无所事事的老人家，去咖啡店叫一杯Kopi就可以和别的老AhPek讲到一天，要不然就坐在那边不知道在想什么！然后Botak每次`收的那些Kopi杯，就想到只有在传统的咖啡店里才找到的Kopi杯，一杯杯乌黑的咖啡，都是得由有经验的泡咖啡师傅所泡出来的。。。功夫一点都不能少！而Botak画画的房间外，就像马六甲古屋看出去的夜晚，静静的。。。听到Cicak的声音。然后在清晨听到的马来人念经的声音。。。傍晚听到卖Indian Roti Uncle 摩多车的声音。。。还有那粽油园。。。令我想起以前陪爸爸去探亲的时候经过的地方。。。一切从前美好的回忆，又被恢复了起来~

戏中有些爱情的故事，虽然很伤心，不过整体来说，是不错了！！！我最喜欢就是到了尾声的时候，有张栋梁和戴佩妮的客串！！！我和Michelle都兴奋的叫了起来！！！看着这部片子，我心里觉得无比的自豪！因为这证明了，我们本地华人是可以拍出好看的电影的！

阿牛！加油！！！期望你下一部的创作！！！

Torn between two...soon to be into pieces if I don't take action!

2010-03-24T01:01:00.003+08:00

Sighs...after so many months since I've felt peace within myself. Now I'm being thrown with another trial to face. It's always got to do with my personality and faith! I'm torn between what I want and what God really wants me to have/do!!!

OK, here's the case. Normally, what I want, isn't what God wants! So whenever I think that I am doing the right thing (according to my own interpretation), it will end up tragically... Few months back when I was in my internship, I fully experienced God's grace in me. Maybe at that time of hardships, only I fully realize how awesome God is and I really fully trusted Him! So, my 6 months flew by with many bitter sweet moments!

Now, being back to my Uni life, I'm being shut back to my comfort zone. I no longer see God as how I used to see Him last time. Last time, every lunch break I will spring to the chapel to spend some quality time with God, chat with Him (more like I poured out my sorrows and He replied in His way...) and find time to evaluate on my daily life, my personality and how am I treating the people around me. As for now, I'm very lazy. I wake up just to have enough time to get ready for classes, say a very brief prayer in my car/ while driving to school. Lunch break to the chapel seemed like a million years ago story. Nowadays, I hardly even do my daily bible reflections! All my prayers are just bits of pieces being compile up together, mostly just being mumbled through because I will be yawning my way and my mind is blur... Deep in my heart, I know I'm wrong and somethings will soon to pop out to alert me, just that I didn't know it will happen so fast!

Reality strikes! I am now facing back all the negative attitudes I used to have before I took a month break from my committee! You can never imagine how terrible my attitude was before that, and I thought I've get rid of that part of mine already! Unfortunately, it doesn't fade away so easily. It must be kept away with strong prayers, reflections and tonnes of MSN with God!

Today I had the worst meeting I had with my fellow committees. I'm saying this in terms of my own personality... I was seriously struggling not to shout out at others and to force them to take in all of my opinions! At some point I even wanted to leave! It's the evil side of me trying to be set free! The only thing I was holding on was keep on trying to keep out of the things they were discussing. My mind was having this inter-conflict war inside of me! Then, when I heard that some of my friends get to join in some stuffs which I wasn't being asked, I was actually hurt/ jealous/ furious! These kind of feelings weren't supposed to come out from my mind and yet it did! I was panicked when I actually acknowledge how I felt just now! These feelings didn't only started in the meeting but it started since a few weeks back! I was constantly fighting the urge to snap at people who simply didn't know how to express their opinions and I always had this thinking that maybe I'm just an invincible person who doesn't deserve people's attention! My existence is nothing!

Seriously...there are more to say but these warnings are just the start....I don't know how long will it take to fight back....I felt like the character in 'Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde'!!!! I'm so afraid that I maybe going nuts!!!! I have to find back my inner peace. If not, I don't think I can even survive the sightliest challenge that occurs in my life.

Now, I felt ashamed to go back to God because of my doubts towards Him (it only happened recently, because I had this new theory about life-after-death, which I thought of out of the blue!). I felt like I don't deserve to be loved by Him anymore....I felt really useless, hopeless and I am really nothing! The point is, I really don't have the guts to face Him....Do you think He will actually forgive me and allowing me back? I am really a sucker....

Singapore Trip (100310)-Day 1

2010-03-20T22:55:00.006+08:00

It was 10th of March, a Wednesday morning. I woke up at 5.45am. My bus to Singapore was scheduled at 7.30am, but my friend Daryl was going to pick me up to Yee Wern's house by 6.30am. So we all gathered at Melaka Sentral at 7.15am sharp. And our 707 bus departed on the dot! Our journey begins!!!!

Half way towards our destination, me and Daryl found out that Fr Bala was actually in the same bus as us! Haha!!!! I had it in my guts that this trip was going to be a perfect trip!

We arrived in JB around 11.30am. Here are the roads...hehe....it was my first time being there!

This was near the Singapore border.

We had some problems at the customs because one of our bus passengers left his belongings in the bus without going through the custom checks. So the officers took hold of our bus driver's passport and we were stuck there for 20 mins.

We arrived at the 707 bus terminal at QueenSt. It was pouring when we arrived. Despite of being how near our hostel is situated, we had no choice but to take a taxi there. Our hostel is with the name of 'Waterloo Hostel', it's a Catholic Welfare Building. It was being surrounded by 3 churches! We took a room with 2 single beds using a common bathroom. Its facilities were very impressing! Everything is so clean and functioning! Unlike the hostels in Malaysia which is...you know...not that good.... Being so satisfied with our accommodation for the next few days, we head off with our Singapore Trip! Off we go, me, Daryl, Rachel, Yee Wern and Adrian!

The statue along the roadside. In Bugis Junction

Our first stop was the Bugis. On our way there, we took a few pictures on the way. Singapore pedestrian side is really good! All the cars actually STOP to let us pass even though the lights were red! We weren't that used to it first because that not how things work in our country...haha!!! Anyway, Bugis was a bit like PJ Street in KL. The things that they sold were mostly 'LALAs' style, but I've found some good food there. Example, the thick patty burger which you can get at SGD2.40 and the freshly punched KIWI juice at SGD1.00! I mean, if I were to earn SGD, these food actually worth more than the costs! Plus, it tasted yummy!

Then we proceeded towards Bugis Junction where you can find the famous 'Chewy Junior'. It wasn't as yummy as my friends has described because it was really CHEWY...as in you might have cream bursting out from your doughnut while all you can do is chew all the way until you finished the whole thing! I was quite amazed at how I actually managed to finished it! haha!!! Anyway, I've found another nice thing! Which is 'Old Chang Kee'!!! I really loved their hot curry puffs with really nice stuffing inside! And the best part was I could find them everywhere!!!

Chewy Junior with their doughnuts

Me with my Lemon flavour...not knowing the disaster that followed behind...haha

After Bugis, we head on to the Merlion to take some nice pictures. It was just normal. Being able to escape the unbearably hot weather of Malacca, we were really glad when the breeze the blown was a very cooling one. On our way, we passed by Fullerton Hotel which Adrian claimed was the most expensive hotel in Singapore. At the Merlion we managed to take many pictures with all kinds of pose! Name it, from angle framing to jump shots! We took it all!!!! And we did plan to do in for the rest of the trip! haha!!!!

After Merlion, we walked towards the 'Eye of Singapore', where we walked on the F1 track while going. Unfortunately the fees to be in the 'Eye of Singapore' was very expensive, so we had to head back. Our dinner was decided to be in Geylang. A place where we could find really nice and cheap food!

On our way there, I had this MIA (Missing in Action) stun! It was after office hours when we were at the MRT. It was very packed with many people. So Adrian's instruction to us were try to get into the MRT and go down at CityHall Station. We were at Douby Ghout at that time. As the MRT arrived, I managed to squeezed my way through while Rachel and Daryl were in another compartment leaving Adrian and Yee Wern outside not being able to get in. So I was alone in the train! I stared at the stations on the ceiling and found out that were NO City Hall stops at all! I was panicked but managed to maintain my cool... Luckily my Digi line auto roamed when I entered into Singapore, so I had connections to call people. Too bad, I didn't know what was the Malaysia international number, so I was stuck. Just when I wanted to call my Singaporean friends for aid, Adrian called me. He said he mistaken the train and asked me to get down at the next station, get on the opposite train and then only get down to City Hall. So I get down at Braddells( or something like that...). I thought that MRT in Singapore is like the LRT in Malaysia, where if you want to get to the opposite train, you have to go out the station and get in from the next escalator to get to the other side. So I did that and found out I was standing beside a bus stop without any signs of MRT entrance! I was obviously scared because I was lost!!!! Luckily, I trusted with my instincts (I think God was directing) and went back to the MRT entrance which I just exited. I asked one of the passerby for the directions and she was kind enough to guide me there. When I was there, I asked another young girl to confirm it again which was...THANK GOD, it was!!! Finally when I reached City Hall, I saw Rachel and Daryl stretching their necks to peek into the MRT which I just arrived. Without telling them, I managed to make them jump from behind!!! They were hugging me after my MIA stun!!!! Adrian was apologizing for giving me the wrong directions all the way! (In my heart was like, serves you right! You nearly caused me a heart attack in the MRT!)

Anyway, we continued our way towards Geylang...half way through Rachel couldn't join us because she had a dinner date with her bf...so that left the 4 of us.

The 'Tian Ji' with porridge!

Despite of being named as the red-light district of Singapore, I found Geylang not as scary as I thought. Everyone was like doing their own stuffs, they didn't give a damp with what we were doing. So as long as you don't mess with them, they will never come to you!

Adrian brought us to this Chinese shop to taste their specialty 'cooked farm frog' aka 'tian ji' served with porridge! It was my first time tasting it and it tasted a bit like chicken but a bit bonny. As for their porridge, it was very fine and good!!!! Daryl couldn't accept the fact to eat 'frogs' so we ordered her another 'gong bao chicken cubes' for her. I had to admit, it tasted good!

Next, we had to find for their famous 'Soya drink with yao char guai'! After trials of phone calls and God knows how long we had walk (it was in Lrg 27A), we finally saw their plat! Well, it was normal if I were to compare it with the 'yao char guai' in Malacca. Their Soya Drink was thick. If being put in the way just to try, it wasn't bad! Their 'yao char guai' was very long! haha!!!! We actually took away for Rachel but we ended up bringing her the 'yao char guai' only because we totally forgotten about her drink! Argh!!! And it cost us SGD2.40!!!! Then, we took a taxi back to Bugis because we were tired from walking. Oh ya, I left my pink water bottle in the taxi too!

The Soya drink with 'Yao Char Guai'!!!!

So, from Bugis, Adrian escorted us back to our Hostel and directing us the way to get back to the MRT station! So there you go! Our first day in Singapore! We ended our day with a satisfied stomach, sore feet and a tired back...I head straight to my bed after my hot shower!!!!

Sakura Biyori

2010-03-08T01:07:00.002+08:00

Last week, despite of studying for my midterm exams, I managed to find a place where I can actually find peace among the hustles and bustles of my preparations. It was this road to my Uni. I have to pass by it everyday whenever I need to go for classes. As I drove pass, I was stunned by the beauty of the view right in front of me.
Pink flower petals were gracefully flowing down from every directions as though I was in those 'Sakura flowers' scene which could only happen in Anime/Japan! There were two of these trees that has turned into full pink!!! It was fully bloomed with pink flowers! Then, whenever the wind blows, pink petals will come flying down. As I drove through, my scene was like passing through a stretch of Sakura Trees with Sakura petals come raining down!
Everyday during last week whenever I passed by this road, I will slow down my speed and take a good look at both trees. Then I promised myself that after my midterm, I will take a picture of it and share it in my blog! Thank God I did it!!! I seriously don't want to miss out such a wonderful thing!

Imagine what a beautiful scene it would be if all the trees there were to bloom! The road will be full of pink flowers and all the passersby and drivers like me will be drawn in completely into a realm of raining pink petals.

Oh how I wished that this scene shall remain forever...the trees are now both back to its normal condition. Full of lush green leaves, waiting for their time to be fully bloomed with flowers again!

Sighs...

2010-02-23T23:45:00.002+08:00

I am very worried about my midterm now. There's a major event this Saturday night and I'm in charge of its performances. Plus, I have to take part in some of the programs as well!

Oh God...I am really stressed out right now as I am typing this passage. I really don't know that should I do! I didn't foresee these things piling up when I signed up for it! I really don't!!!! So many things came up so last minute!!!! Even my lecturers are the same! They gave us our midterm notice and coverage today itself and the exam is 1 week away!!!! Do they think that everyone is that smart!!!!

I'm just an average student trying to survive my final semester. Now with this event on the weekend, I don't even have time to really sit down and study! Here my mum is pestering me to study and there my team mates are pressuring to add more practices!!!! I have been stretched to my limit already!!!!! I cannot let both sides down!!!! What can I do???? Both sides I can't just merely PASSED~ No way!!!!! What can I do now????

Both things are so rushing....so packed.....so messy and so last minute!!!!!! It's like these both aren't meant to be matched side by side! All pieces are not properly fit into place....what can I do???? My team mates do sense it, but we are just too ignorant to face it! There and then we have miscommunication! Everyone isn't happy of everyone...there isn't any team spirit....All of us are tired with our daily struggles and this adds up to our burden.

Sighs...what can I and We do Lord???? I, for my side has so many things to study up at such a limited time. We on the other hand, have also so little time to make things a success...can we please everyone? No... Can we be committed and our heart beat as one? Not really... Are we communicating? Not really too.... Then who is to blame? Our own selfishness and ignorance!

Surely You would know Lord. I'm at the edge of giving up! This time, I really cannot handle everything on my own. I need to share some with You. Help me Oh Lord....I'm really tired, stressed and angry!

My sad sad CNY...

2010-02-16T17:58:00.002+08:00

CNY this year means no chance to enjoy my favourite food...because I had an asthma attack almost one week ago. I went to the General Hospital for nebulyzer and then she gave me steroids, cough syrup and flu pills to eat. The steroids were the most important medicine of all, because I had to take 6 pills for 5 days! The whole process was agonizing because each medicine has a different consuming time and my lips were cracking due to the medicine!

My agonizing steroids med came to an end on the eve of CNY! I thought that it was the end of my medication period, but it was just the start for another....THE SIDE EFFECTS! 5 days and 30 steroid pills were starting to show symtomps in my body. At first, I thought because I was consuming so much water that I felt like vomiting and my stomach felt weird. On the 2nd day of CNY before lunch, I throw out all of ym breakfast. That's when I realized that my another nightmare has just started...

After throwing out everything that's in my stomach, I felt weak, no energy, no appetite and my head was swirling! My granny and dad bought me to the doctor nearby and he told me these are the side effects of the steroids I consumed for the past few days! Due to this, my stomach was bloating, I've lost all of my appetite to eat and drink not forgetting to mention that I can't take cold drinks and fruit juices!!!! I CAN'T EAT FOR CNY!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my medication num2 is....don't over eat for the next 24 hours....damn......there goes my CNY....stomach bloating, uneasy stomach, etc etc....crap crap crap!!!!!

Life is meaningless when you don't have the health to enjoy it!!!

You know what's sad about love?

2010-01-29T14:00:00.002+08:00

Recently, I have a few friends that went through a bad break up and some is having a turmoil in their relationship. After all, love isn't always sweet, there is the sour part as well. So to my friends who are feeling this way, please listen to this.

I know it’s when you happen to know that there’s just no hope for you being together, yet you still pray to make it work. It’s when your mind says let go, but your heart says hold on. And most of all, it’s when no matter how you try to forget him, you just can’t. Because of the fact that you still love him, and you just don’t know why.

Try loving someone you’re loved before and you will realize that it will lead to the same thing that happened before. But why try loving someone who doesn’t love you back? It’s either you see yourself giving up or dying daily. Love is like giving someone a gun, having them point it at your heart. And trusting them to never pull the trigger. But when they do, can you still trust them? I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have.

Falling in love is never a decision – always by chance.
Staying in love is never a chance – always by choice.
Falling out of love is never a choice – always a decision.
Attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice.
So listen, fate brings both of you together, but it’s still up to both of you to make it happen. We may meet someone by chance, but loving and staying with that someone is still a choice. And when one made a decision to let go, why do we still want to cling on?

One grows distant from another not because of indifference but because of fear. There’s the fear that the hurt gets greater as one gets closer. A recognition of the tendency to fall deeply and consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities. Sometime, what drives one away is not the absence of emotion, but the overwhelming presence of it.

Time can heal wounds, but it can never get back what we once had and lost. Time can’t tell when or how we would move on after all was said and done. Because God gave us time but we never valued this gift he had given us. So we must learn to treasure the ones you choose to love now. Because when they go, there won’t be time to have them back.

In my life, I have done every way of fighting. Heard every painful truth. Been in every heartbreaking scene and felt every dreadful feeling. I thought going thru it all will then make me realize that I have to stop the fight at least to save a little for myself. But you know what’s funny? Its when I seem to be so much tired of it all, but still I can’t just quit no matter how hard it is. And I have to continue hoping that one day, I’ll be able to find someone who could love me not just “right” but “real”.

Time may take us away.
Space may keep us apart.
Rumors and hurts may break us down.
Yet no matter where life leads us.
I’ll always be here and I’ll never stop caring.

***This is a link shared by my friend in Facebook. I feel that it is very true and meaningful. So I posted here in my blog to remind myself of it!

The 'emo-ness' of my life

2010-01-23T03:10:00.003+08:00

I'm high on caffeine tonight because I drank 1 and a 3/4 cups of coffee before 12am! My sis couldn't drink much coffee so I had to finished it for her....too bad...

Anyway, as I was still high on caffeine, I read this book I just bought written by Cecilia Ahern called 'Where Rainbows End'. It was a terrific book I should say! Though it took me quite a long time finish reading it but its ending was sweet and nice.

As I was reading this book, I tuned into MyFm and HitzFm to fill up the dreading silence in the house. You know, at wee hours, these radio stations like to play very sentimental songs that can drive all our emotions up the wall. Suddenly, I was very emo...really emo in fact!

This book I was reading was talking bout this 2 childhood friends who were initially meant to be together but had to go through SO MANY obstacles to be together only when they both reached their fifties!!! Well, my heart was like going through a roller-coaster ride while reading this book. This moment it seemed that they both were finally going back together, 1 of them got married, then when 1 of them got divorced the other got married, then when they want to get together, their loved ones passed away, then here's this job losing issue that sets them apart again, then this again....and there again.....phew~ this book makes me realized that life is TOUGH!!!! You are never going to get it easy.

True enough, with the accompaniment of this 'emo music' behind me, I really put myself fully into the characters and feel how they felt at that moment. There was this part when Rosie Dunne (the main character) has thought that everything went well with her childhood friend Alex (another main character), fate somehow meddled in. Which takes me back to some of my love miseries where I had to endure for a few months last year. Why God ever invented LOVE at the first place???? Love HURTS! Who would even bother to fall in love when the ending is so HURTFUL??? It took me back to those months where I woke up with a shadow over my head and clouds raining down sometimes. Every morning, I dreaded to wake up from my bed fearing that I'm gonna drag through another day of horror and misery. Throughout the day, I will think how stupid I was to wait for that guy which was NEVER ever mine and my poor friends had to listened to my stories again and again and giving me the same advises again and again! How I must bored them in the past! Then, with all of these accumulated anger and sadness, I threw it out to those innocent people which doesn't deserved it (including the guy which is now living happily ever after with his gf)! Sighs~ I must have been such a bore back then. Slowly, after endless tears and long hours staying/ staring inside the St. Peters' Chapel (I was working, so I spent MOST of my lunch break in the chapel meditating upon my mess), I've finally come to the sense that one has to surrender to fate/ God's plans. Often I've questioned God 'why on earth did You let this happen when You know this will NEVER lead to something!'. Then, sometimes I will hear this voice or suddenly when I flipped open my bible something will popped out saying 'My ways are not your ways'...Yea, I've never knew His ways. But one thing is for sure, now I feel better without waking up everyday with a shadow clouding over my head and spend my whole day mourning for my mistakes. Life to me everyday is like a battle for me. A battle of life! Whether to live it fully or miserably. Just now this song popped out from MyFm '你那么爱他，为什么不把他留下？为什么不说心里话，你深爱他，这是每个人都知道啊~！！' Oh my, when I heard of that song all kinds of emotions poured into my mind! My friend used to sing this song to clear up my thoughts...yea...this song was the song of my misery. Coming to know it's now over, and I think back, how ironic it seems. Things will never be the same with us anymore. No matter how good we both might be to each other, even friends or just normal acquaintance, we will just be true strangers to each other from now on. How can one fixed a broken cup without noticing its chipped offs???? Never ever will I look at him and laugh with him as the same few years back....everything has changed for the better of the both of us and I'm actually glad bout it. At least I realized that I've wasted enough time waiting for him and now I should move on (which I am now) and hopefully one fine day I might bump into some one better or the One that's meant for me!

Then, there's this another chapter that mentioned about Rosie losing her dad...then her mum eventually (both died of old age). I actually reflected it upon my parents who are not really YOUNG now (they are near sixties now). I read on how one day her mum suddenly found out that her husband has moved on without waiting for her and how she and her family grieved about it. Picturing in my head, I can imagine it happening on me. What if one fine day, when I'm not ready at all, my dad leaves me and my family! Who's going to earn money and feed the family? My dad isn't young and who knows God wants to take him back one day without giving us prior notice??? I'm not keen to work right now, not when I'm half way towards becoming an accountant pro which I have to 'sprinkle' their money to get it till the final stage! Imagine that I'm jobless, with my not-very-young mother who's earning from hand to mouth, with 2 siblings to take care of. Am I ready for that??? What about the grieving and mourning that I have to go through??????

Another part of the story was when Rosie's mum died....why has God allowed DEATH????? Again, love is involved and when our loved ones are gone, tears are shed, hearts are shattered and dreams/ hopes are destroyed. My mum doesn't have a very strong body. She's constantly down with all kinds of minor sickness and my granny (even though how harsh she may seem) is true, she's a poor lady working her ass out in a secretarial firm just to earn enough money for me and my siblings to spend....and here we are, a bunch of ungrateful children! Sometimes, I do blame them for getting married so late! If they were to get married like a few years earlier, then by the time they are retired, at least I still left a year more towards becoming a pro and I might be able to earn enough money to cover the family's expenses! Imagine that one day, my mum actually passed away....damn, that will be the saddest moment of my life! Believe it or not, I love my mum from the bottom of my heart! Despite of being the black sheep of the family, I still love her! When my granny went for operation and was having a very irritating time, I actually humbled myself to help out in the chores! (Look, I HATE CHORES FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I used to tell myself that I'd rather die than to drive myself crazy with chores, which eventually I did it with much tantrums but at least I did it out of willingness and Love) My mum has always been the happy go lucky person that loves my family. Though I don't agree to some of her ways in teaching us, but I have to admit that she's one kind of a person! Sighs~ will they be able to wait for me to become a pro, and then wait for a few more years to earn enough DIGITS to give them a better life???? Like it or not, I'm the eldest in my family and I've always felt the burden to take care of my family ever since I am in Secondary School. Mum and dad, can you both wait for me???? Don't go too soon can or not???? God, if you have a internet access up there, can you see the worry that's in my mind right now????? And also the pain and sadness that's in my heart every time I noticed that my parents are getting older day by day and my time to be with them are limited by years?????? Please, I'm tearing while writing this part.....please don't take them away from me when I'm not ready to support my family.......

There and then is my granny....she's really irritating from my opinion maybe because from young I was constantly reminded of her unreasonableness and crude comments. As these things accumulates, now at my age, I have this auto trained reflective system that activates whenever she starts to say things which irritates me or the people I cared! And of course, we've been through ENDLESS rows! The most recently one just ended a few hours ago... She's already 83, you may say that I'm being such a 'Si-Tanggang' (which I admit) but that's because I'm really sick of her comments! Being old makes her thinks that she's beyond us all!!!! Yes yes....so she is and yes, she has the right....but using these 'privileges' against me are really getting on my nerves! The usual chain is always, she comments on how 'poor' my mum performs lately due to her age (she always saying how well she would have done at HER AGE ONCE) then I will tell her off saying 'don't say my mum like that can or not! It hurts even though she doesn't say it out!'. Then she will go through all of these 'HOW OLD ARE YOU TO TALK TO AN OLD WOMAN LIKE ME!!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL GRANDCHILD!!!! I'M GONNA DIE SOON!!!! I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT BUT I THINK MY TIME IS NEAR AND WHEN I DIE, I WON'T BE HERE TO NAG/ SCOLD YOU ALL!!!!! BLA BLA BLA.....' Seriously, now I can even recite/ predict her next line whenver we start a row. At night, she will be sleepless all thanks to me and she will begin her 'show' to 'SHOW' me that she's going to sleep outside and suddenly waking and staring at me with one kind of a look. Do you know that when I was young (donno how old), she actually woke me up the night after the row and tell me 'Mary, I'm going to kill myself and I just want to tell you that I'll forgive you even though you disrespected me!' Then I went to wake my parents up she will begin her whole 'show' by trying to kill herself with a scissors, screaming and shouting saying 'Let me die! I'm tired of this family'!!! Imagine that, at such a young age I was exposed to such things, do you think I won't have this 'auto-trained reflective system' when I reach the age of 23???? My siblings say that I am cold-hearted and double faced. I agree with them, but have they ever seen such things in the middle of the night at such an age????? Ok, so maybe I was rebellious since young and I couldn't shut my mouth tight whenever I see things getting out of hand and I thought that maybe with my 'wise' work I might solve them, but things get backfired.... Until now, I'm the only one who's dared enough to answer her and won't even feel a thing after a row with her and also witnessing one of her 'shows'. A few night ago, I was so lost after another row with her. I sat in front of my altar at this hour, staring at the picture of Jesus and once again bridged my connection with Him.

I told Him,
"Jesus, I'm in another row with my granny AGAIN! I guess You are tired hearing about it already rite? Sighs~ why do I always lose my temper and blow things up and hurt everyone else??? When all I wanted to do was to tell her to stop hurting my mum's feelings! Then I changed the candles without telling her and when I did, she scolded the hell out of me and I was furious!!!! Then my brother sarcastically said that I was being the 'black one' that shed tears for outsiders instead of ours (hello, if one of your friend died in an accident would you not even feel a thing????). God, I was just trying to protect my mum! She's fragile enough to be hurt and now you want her (granny) to repeat her problems in front of me (and her) when she's about the get some sleep????? God, what would you have done at such situation????? Tell me!!!! Tell me!!!!! Often I followed my heart (+ some emotions) and this is how it end!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know why have I turned into such a person! All the things that happened way back then. It didn't took me a night to have this negative feeling towards her and there IS some reasons behind this 'reflective system' and You know some part of it wasn't my fault!!!!! TELL ME HOW AND WHAT TO DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M LOST OK!!!!!!!!! LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANTED TO SHOW LOVE BUT THIS IS ALWAYS WHAT I GET!!!!!!!!!!! SO TELL ME HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! (At this point, I was crying...for the 1st time because of this...in front my my altar with a bible on my lap)

God replied (through a bible daily reading passage which I found from SHALOM),
" NEW WINE, NEW SKIN" and 'OBEDIENCE IS BETTER THAN SACRIFICE'!

I was astonished...these words appearing from the bible was like words that He would say if He was actually in front of me! Ok, so He was there...really truly listening to my cries. But, I really didn't grasp the REAL meaning that He wants me to know. I couldn't really absorb at that moment. All I know was 'New'...ok something NEW!! So this time I have to use a NEW approach with a whole NEW attitude????? Then this 'obedience', which part is He referring to?????

It has been days now that I am pondering upon these words and I hope that I will understand it slowly and practically....

My granny has fallen sick now, she's old....despite of all of these, I know that deep in my heart I still cared and loved her. It's just that I am too chicken to show it to her because I am afraid of my heart being scarred again and maybe I scarred hers which eventually scarred mine. Hurting some one you love really reaps your soul out of you. I've been praying really hard to God these few days to ask for guidance. And guess what, I think that this is a new CHALLENGE for me. To be reconcile with my granny has always been the GREATEST CHALLENGE I've ever faced in my life (next comes the relationship mess I mentioned earlier on) and I always ran away from it. I am guessing (just guessing) that God wants me to really FACE IT this time. Stop running away from it and really face it, solve it once and for all! He knows that this is what I've always wanted but in the past I have never asked Him for help and this time after all the shouting of HELP for Him, I think He knows that I'm really desperate. So, the thing now is...as for enough Courage from Him and Guidance to help me with this path of healing and reconciling. This time I have to face it from a whole NEW angle with a whole NEW attitude (I'm planning to ask Jesus to be with me all the way), and sure enough to stay Obedient with His instructions (When I was in my healing process for my broken heart, I followed His instructions and was miraculously healed in many ways!). So far things has just started....I hope I won't blow things up again....this time I am constantly logging into the private chat-room between 'Me and God' every night, not forgetting my bible! Every night, I will stare at my altar, picturing myself talking to Him and update Him about my daily doings and feelings, sometimes I asked Him for help and funny enough, the daily readings somehow replied for Him!

I guess when you really let God handle the things in your life and you willingly surrender everything to Him, he will really take good care of it! Or more like what my friend will say 'Don't worry! I will SETTLE FOR YOU one!!!!! XD

Here, I stop writing (typing) as my caffeine is starting to worn off. I'm glad to actually blog and please don't think that I'm staying with a psychopathic family because I believe that 家家有本难念的经...

What is happening to my country?

2010-01-08T17:00:00.003+08:00

I was shocked by the news that 3 churches in Malaysia has been attacked...y? Simply because of the 'Allah' term issue.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea what is the fuss about because I simply don't trust the newspapers nowadays not to mention that every morning when I scanned through it, it only gives me sad news. The newspaper I read wasn't the same ten years back.

3 churches being attacked! Can you believe that???? Just when I thought we Christians have always lay low in everything that we do, keep ourselves away from these controversies, yet they just won't let us have a peace of mind!

What have we done wrong to deserve this??? When I was a student, my teachers used to teach us, 'respect each religion', 'stay united as one', 'love your country as it has given you many opportunities', etc etc...and the best part was, I believed it 100%!!!

Now, all are just jokes! What I've learned from my teacher were plain rubbish!!! People don't have to respect each others religions, whenever they feel that they are being 'threatened' (I need a GOOD definition for that!), they can do whatever they want. For example, they aren't please that the High Court has approved the word 'Allah' to be use in 'The Herald', they can just go to the streets, carrying banners and say 'Don't challenge us!!'. Then, if things doesn't work out, they burn down your church!!! The church has nothing to do with all of these controversies! I wonder if we could have even done that when the movie 'Da Vincci Code' and 'Angels and Demons' were shown! Plus, there were TONNES of books trying to say that 'Jesus was a gay', 'He was married to a woman', 'The gospels are all false', and that God doesn't even existed! Do they see us people trying to burn down their houses and shown any violence??? ( Well, the only thing I know was the The Vatican banned the crew to shoot their movie in Italy that's all!)

So, what 'Unity'??? What justice and equality in religion??? All of these are just words not being realized...

What can I do now except to pray for peace???

Cuci mata

2009-10-31T00:14:00.006+08:00

Once upon a time, I asked a few guys during a yum char session, I said "Why do u all like to cucimata??? Do u all know that like this is very 38/ miang or not!" Then one of the guys stood up for them and said," U think u all gals not miang meh! U all everytime say we guys cuci mata is called miang that is because we daringly see girls in front of u all!!! Unlike you gals, when a hot guy walks past, you all pretend to be normal, then the whole gang will go into the girls toilet and together will scream OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!! DID U SAW THAT GUY????? HE'S SO HOTTTT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRRHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

After hearing this statement, we girls couldn't say but laughed at how TRUE that statement was! Yes yes... I admit, we girls DO look at guys!!! Or maybe not ALL, but most of us do!!! When we are watching a movie, we will be paying attention at how good looking the hero is. While paying attention at the story, we will be observing the guy's jaw line, his cheek bones, his manly smile, his body, how build up is he, his muscles, 6 packs or 8 packs, how sexy is their posture, their height, how good they look in those suites, the way they kiss whether it was passionate or not, their tone,...and the list goes on!!! If I were to defend saying that we girls are NOT miang, I would be lying to myself.

Guys watches Porn when they are stressed out, we girls on the other hand don't have this privilege. So we switch to checking out cute/hot guys on the net. Most of us girls love boy-bands! The reason???? Simple! Because they are cute! Imagine this, you can listen to nice music, watching those cute and manly guys in the MTV singing, imagining that they are singing to us, absorb in the lyrics and at the same time CUCI MATA! This is like killing tonnes of birds with one stone!

Sometimes, we can even store the image of certain handsome guys in our head and run it through like a DVD player for the whole day! Cool eh!!!! Just because we girls don't say it out, doesn't mean that we are not LOOKING! We do observe the guys while we're on the street. Every guy that passes we do observe. It is the matter of which ones can catch our attention and give us a longer impression!

As for my way of checking out guys, I first look from their appearance. I will check out the way they dress themselves up, from their hairstyle til their sneakers! Next, I will check out their height, face and their body (Oops!). Then, I will observe the way they talk; whether it is Sissy, super Gangsterish or Normal. Lastly, the way they treat others (this one goes to a deeper level when I get to know them better, as in friends already). Unfortunately, so far I've only found one with 90% score. The other 10% goes to 1 of the criteria that he is missing....to bad for me...sob sob....

Of course, when we girls say we CUCI MATA, we meant it! It's just a part time hobby. When it comes to choosing boyfriends, our criteria 100% TERBALIK from the way we CUCI! It would be more towards their inner self and character. Our reason is because by the end of the day, a relationship surpasses all of the external wrappings. A present with nice wrappers but with a spoil gift inside, is like a super hot guy without a good character. However, a OK looking wrapped present but inside the gift is so precious, signifies a guy with a heart of gold!

Girls are being girls. In front we wail and scream at those super hot guys (especially Korean boyband, eg: DBSK, SS501, SuperJunior) and wishing them to be our boyfriends, but by the end of the day, we know that looks doesn't count. It is the character of the guy that can win our hearts!

So, to all the girls out there (including myself), CUCI-LAH MATA TAPI JGN OVERDO IT LA.... haha!!!!!!!!!! Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

All work no play makes Mary a dull gal...

2009-10-30T00:18:00.002+08:00

Sighs, life of a 9 to 5 girl isn't really my cup of tea. Every time when I reached home by 6-6.30pm, I'll be exhausted! Then, after some intensive work out at home ( I was too lady to drive out to my nearby gym or swimming pool) and a warm nice shower, I will feel like hitting the bed.

I really missed my life....I mean, my previous life as a student. Though I'm under training (which makes me partly still a student), I still miss it very much. I missed those days where I can go to class as stated in the time table, after class went chilling with my friends at the nearby cafe, chit-chatting till the dawn, hanging out till late nights and never had to worry about curfews! Every morning, we would just have to wake up and think 'Gosh, what classes we have for 2day ah??? Then after that wanna go where jln-jln???'. Shopping was and will always be our first priority!!!! Oh, the days of being a student....it was so carefree!!!! We didn't even need to bother when our alarm ring!

Now, we dread for the sound of the alarm to come...We drag ourselves from our comfortable bed to the washroom. Splash, splash, splash....water! Mint flavoured toothpaste!!!! Wake me UP!!!!!!! Then feeling half awake, we go to our wardrobe to take our formal clothes where we wear it like our uniform. Mon=purple, Tues= white, Wed= red, Thurs= Dark blue, Fri= Black......the list repeats itself on and on....

At work, we hope for lunch break to come....then we get to go out to get our 1 hour precious fresh air! After lunch, is our main challenge: to keep our eyes open despite of the drowsiness after taking in much carbs!!!!! 'Tick tock....tick tock.... we worked like robots....feeling nothing but to focus on our jobs and try to finished it with our might, non withstanding the fact that we had to fight that sleepy worm!!!!'. FINALLY, 4pm slowly slips in....another 5.30pm is coming!!!!!! Our spirits are lifted up little by little. Some will start to plan what goes after work, some will just rather stay and home and rest.

When 5.30pm finally emerges itself, our hearts will filled with joy!!!! 'Joy to the world'!!!! (~ I think I can dance out the door!!!!!) 'Faster, pack up!!!!! Chaoz!!!!!!!!!!'

And there goes another day of work....

Day in, day out...we spend our time in our office....it's like our 1st home than our own ones!!!!! I want my life back...sob sob....I miss my Uni friends..........I'm starting to miss everything I once had!!!!!

PS: Knowing that the journey is ending, gives me more anticipation!!!! I don't think it's good, cz I'm starting to miss my friends even more!!!!!!!!! Gosh, this is so....... I DONNO WAT TO SAY!!!!!

Just Random

2009-10-28T01:06:00.003+08:00

Today I had a hard day at work. Some things didn't went well. I was really depressed with myself...thinking what did I do to get myself into this! But then, looking at the bright side, this journey is ending very soon. Just by thinking about it, has helped me to feel better.

At night, my best friend called to cheer me up. At times like this, a phone call and a warm concern can melt my heart. I'm really blessed to have such caring friends around me. Thank you God!!!! I pray that I will appreciate them always!!!!

The Tale of 'THE SUPER STICKY CICAK'!!!

2009-08-19T23:02:00.003+08:00

Hi! Today I would like to share with you all a story about a CICAK!

I went for a church meeting last night. While trying to close my house gate, I saw this medium size cicak on my side mirror. All I hoped at that time was for it to disappear as soon as possible. To my disappointment, it didn't even bulged a bit! Since that it didn't went into my car, I just drove and hope for it to be BLOWN away by my speed!

As I was driving on this very straight road (my speed was like 80kph or more), I saw that my side mirror still have this CICAK!!!! To my surprise, it was like steadily nailed to my mirror and I could see the speed of the wind around it! Yet, it didn't managed to be blown away! So, this CICAK had caught my attention throughout my driving. I was planning in my mind to take down this heroic CICAK and post it in my blog!

Sure enough, I stopped at this traffic light near Malacca Hospital. With good camera skills (ehem...!) I took down a few pictures of it. As you can see...The CICAK is still standing! From my house till here!! Amazing huh!!!!

Another view of the CICAK!

After taking these photos I no longer paid much attention to it because the road was getting dark and I had to pay full attention on the road. After reaching my friend's house, I totally forgotten about its existence and I guess it just went off by its own...or....being blown away perhaps???? haha, I seriously don't know! All I know is that I was amazed by its stickiness on my side mirror and had accompanied me throughout my journey!

Thx 'Super-sticky-CICAK'!!!!!!

A little moment for myself

2009-08-09T22:27:00.002+08:00

Cheng Heights from the poolside view

I bet it has been ages since I posted my last post!

2day I went to Cheng Heights to play badminton with my bro and frens as usual. 4-6pm, every Sunday, never fail!

I was very disturbed by certain relationship issues (be it friendship, love, work or family) after mass. I was constantly thinking back of how I get myself involved into this. 'What IF I did like him? What IF I did something to hurt him bak?? What IF he doesn't want me as his fren anymore! What IF my attitude affects my working performance? What IF my miseries will never fade and I'm being left to die alone in agony??? What IF, WHAT IF WHAT IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At half way of the match, I couldn't hold it any longer. I went up to the swimming pool floor to spend sometime to calm myself down. It has been ages since I actually spend time for myself. Being alone at the attic, I had the whole place for myself , except there were a few ppl swimming, bt they weren't that noisy, so i can still had my own private space.

At the attic, I spent a long time thinking back how did all of these problems started! It started from a very wrong interpretation of my super-smart mind! 'Guys treating me good/ a bit close with me= have feelings towards me'! Oh gosh....there goes my friendship ever since! We used to be good frens...n because of this very small (or BIG) misunderstanding, I've traded my friendship to dooms day! I've been constantly blaming myself ever since that day I had feelings towards this person...my life has changes (I wasn't as happy as before, I hated by the sight of that person and sometimes the people around him!) Why...oh why did such a wonderful friendship has ended in such a state!!!!! It's my fault, MY FAULT!!!!!!!

I shouldn't had like him!!! I should have treated him as my Buddy or what so ever!!!! Bt WHY did I put feelings into it!!!! Argh!!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!!

Now (unfortunately the cat get out of the bag), we both are like swore enemies! When times are good, we talk, joke and laugh! When times are bad (which happens a lot), we ignore each other, turn one blank eye or roll eyes at each other...the worst was bickering at each other! Sighs~ such an ending....it breaks me heart....It breaks me because I've sent my friendship into the hounds of hell!!!!! And the worst part is we can never be the same as we were b4 anymore!!!! Sob....sob....I can cry and cry....to mourn for this broken relationship, bt wat's the purpose??? What has happened has happen! We can't change anything of it!!!!!

To think of this transition...from 2 lovely friends that used to joke around, feeling happy at each other's presence, honest, open, shared each others feelings and thoughts, filling each other up in the latest outings...making sure none of us miss out.... UNTIL NOW, gloating at the presence of each other, ignoring each other, making sure that we both won't know what the other is doing, making sure that we for sure will miss out each other's outing, doubt, hate, not willing to talk to each other...etc....etc.......

Why??? Why has my friendship took such a nasty turn????? Why.....I can only do is cry...crying over spilt milk! Sigh~ my friends have told me not to even bother of this relationship anymore...Bt I remembered 'Friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them'....I used to adore this song, how true the lyrics seems to be. Bt now, I detest this song! This song was sung at the beginning of this friendship, bt now....this song doesn't seem to mean anything to anyone of us anymore.

God, what should I do with this friendship???? I wanna keep this friendship, bt it seems none of us are willing to co-operate and the environment is forbidding us to do so....If it's Ur will to want us to end this friendship Oh Lord...Pls do it in a nice way. I don wanna be haunted by the thought tat I'm the one ruined this friendship anymore! I'm so tired....so heavily burdened....and lost! In my down times...I don even feel like keeping this friendship anymore! I'm sick and tired Oh Lord, Please help me~!

The thing that hurts the most...........IS LOSING A FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!

Learn from my mistake readers, never fall in love with your close friend!

The Christmas Decorations are bak!!!!

2008-11-07T12:57:00.004+08:00

Hohoho!!!! You all must be wondering what's wrong with Mary today! Actually, it's nothing. Just now, I went to JJ to buy some cakes for tomorrow's camp. As I was on my way to the bread shop, I saw the Christmas Banners are up!!! Yup!!!! The Christmas Decors are back!!!! Of course they haven't put up those tiny little Christmas trees and lightnings yet because it is still too early for it. In my heart, I was triumph! Finally, the season that I love is here!!!!

Christmas for me is a season of warmth and love. A time where friends and family members gather around at home and enjoy each other's presence. I love Christmas because of the coziness if gives me. Despite of being how busy I am during this season, i still love it!!! I love the Christmas trees, lights, carols, food and also the cheer!!

I still remember when i was a small kid, i used to wait until Advent. For catholics, Advent signifies the start of Christmas season, means we have to prepare ourselves for the birth of Jesus. When Advent arrives, I will start to play my favourite carols and sing along with it as me and my siblings will decorate the Christmas tree. My house Christmas tree isn't like any of those trees you see in the mall. It's quite antic. Moreover, it looks very real! We have to categorize the branches according to its size. Then, my brother will set up the base of the tree, Angeline and me will start to poke the branches to the main stick. Slowly as the 'cone' shape of the tree evolves, we start to hang Christmas decorations around it! You see, that's the nicest part of it. I will put on carols while working on the tree. So all of us will be sing along while our hands are busy hanging, passing and admiring our tree!

Christmas is also a time when my mum shows the artistic side of her! My mum is a good painter. She can self create a Christmas crib by using newspapers! Normally, she will ask me and my siblings to paint up some newspapers using colours of brown, green, yellow and red or orange. When you mixed the colours up, it will turn into a some sort of a ground colour. After that, my mum will start to crumple it up and then piece by piece she will slowly paste them by using gum and celephone tape, on to the base of the crib. Her finishing touch will be the arranging of the statues of baby Jesus, Mother Mary, Joseph, 3 Wise Men, Shepherds and their sheeps and the Angel.

As both the tree and crib is done, my dad will take his fair share of work by hanging up the Christmas lights! Team work is very important! That's why I love Christmas! Imagine the things that my family don't get to do during our normal times but we come together for Christmas! Every time when all of these are done, I will just sit down alone at my couch, turned off the lights and watch the lights blinking from my Christmas tree. Then, in my heart I will thank God for being to generous to me by showering me with a wonderful family, a place to live and also the opportunity to celebrate this season of sharing and love! I mean, this is what Christmas is all about! Sharing your love with one another!!!!!

Sometimes, even though i do go around singing carols with my youths. I still feel that Christmas is about spending time with your love ones, especially with your family. I love the feeling of opening my presents during the Christmas evening beside my Christmas tree with my siblings. Then our parents will come and helped us out with the gifts! Isn't that warm? Even now, whenever I see Christmas decorations are up, I know that Christmas is near. Even more than that, I also know that the peak of my year (as in busyness with church works eg. caroling, Xmas play, Christmas mass practise...) is coming towards me. Most importantly, I can feel it in my bones that the feeling of warmth and love in my family, is coming........and I am waiting for it~~

My nails~*

2008-11-04T15:34:00.006+08:00

The Taiwan Drama Series i was watching while waiting for my nails to dry

My nail art!

Hi!!! I've uploaded some pics of my nail art! Actually it's nt really a nail art cz the patterns are stickers! I bought them from 'Shins', JJ last Sun after my lunch with Rachel.

My urge to do my nails started from a few days ago right after i've bought these nail stickers. However, i didn't have the time to do. Then, I've got some spare time today, so i've decided to experiment it! I started to do my toes 1st with my silvery pink nail polish. It didn't took me very long because i'm using my right hand to coat it. Therefore, it isn't that hard. It was like painting on my toes that's all!!!

After doing my toes, i switched to my nails. I started from my left hand 1st so that i can use my right hand to paint. Firstly, i covered it with a base coat 1st, then repeat the procedure with my right hand. Normally, my right hand painting won't be that smooth because i will be using my left hand to paint. So, sometimes i can tell out the differences between my two hands! Finishing the base coat, i painted the black colour polish, then switched it to my right hand (so that my left hand can get some time to dry), and then a second round to make the colour more rich. While waiting for my nail polish to dry, i watched a Taiwan Drama Series. Half way through, I started to paste the stickers onto my nails. Hehe :P Talking about my art, i really didn't know how to paste it to create the kind of 'elegant' effect like one of my fren did. I juz pasted it wherever i feel please! :P Finally, I cover it with a shining coat so to make the whole manicure thingy last longer and more shining! Oh ya! Don't forget to use a tiny wooden stick (ya-qian in Chinese), to scrap out the nail polish that you accidentally painted in on your finger tips! If you don't do tat, it will stay there for a long time, then it will spoil the whole picture of your nail art!!

However, there are alwiz some things which i sure to mess a little of my nails. Example, while turning my door knob, i will accidentally terkena my nails, then my nails will have to go for another repairing/ re-work! Doing nails is indeed fun when you look at ur piece of art, bt the you spend it really taxing and tiring sometimes. I've been once that i did my nails for a few times and in the end gave up totally because it was getting into my nerves! That's y i seldom do my nails!

For the girls out there, unless you really have nothing to do, only go n play with ur nails! Busy ppl like me can only do it like once in a 1 months!

So, that's the story of 'Mary with her nails'!!!

Another week~

2008-11-03T00:42:00.005+08:00

I went out with Rachel for lunch today at Windmills, JJ. It's like the 1st time i meet her alone for lunch after my havoc week of falling sick and resting. We talked about stuffs like wat we did during our holiday(which for me is juz laying down and eat!!). She has become a pro in the 'Word Challenge' game in FB!! C'mon, she beat Satya!!!! (Bt then l8r i went n check, Mich has become the new champion...wat kind of brains they hav!)

At nite, i went to church to coach my casts for Xmas Play. This time, more team members joined me for the practise. They hav provided me with good ideas and now the acting is finally on track! I'm glad that tis Tues we r goin to proceed to the next 4 scenes.

Actually, i'm really not good in leading ppl in acting. You should hav seen how my advisor taught them they way to act! Even the slightest movement he can oso capture and act out naturally! Sometimes, i really respect him for his talents! However, i hav a very talented young actor in my cast to act this yr! He is only std5 this yr and has impressed me deeply by his acting skills! Juz by looking into his eyes and his expression...u can really be touched by him!!! He is juz purely GOOD AND TALENTED!!!!

The whole prac went quite well with all the stopping and continuing the lines of the actors and actresses. I think they now hav an image of wat they should act.

It's been 1 week d. Last week at tis time, i was still in the hospital taking nebulyzer. I really thanked God that now i hav fully recovered from my flu and my asthma. Though it takes months to fully recover from an asthma (as in food and drinks), i still do thank God for making me well again! Well, at least now i can breath properly and my hands don't tremble anymore! Now, all i can do is juzt wait for my energy to come bak. I can't wait to jump into the water and swim!!! The last time i went was like few weeks b4 finals! Now, i'm so FAT that i can't wait fo my body to get well so that i can start my diet project! Bt then...i think i will juz hav to put it on hold 1st! Hehe :P

Kla, i really wanna zzz d....i'm so tired! This is my 1st time staying up so late after my major attack! Nitez whoever u r!!! Sweet dreams~*

HSM3!!!

2008-10-31T22:13:00.004+08:00

We were trying to stare at something~*lolx!!

These r my precious frens from CFM!! Tis pic was taken after our makan in Old Town!

It was the 28th of Nov. After all these while of resting i feel tat i am now ok enough to go out with my frens to watch a movie. We've decided to watch HSM3 at GSC, Carrefour.

I reached there at around 2.30pm and went to McD to find them. Unfortunately, they weren't there so i had to walk all the way to GSC...(nt to mention my phone has no credit at tat time!!) When i found them at the ticket counter, i was actually very weak cz i had not enough energy to walk tat far. Luckily my frens were understanding enough, they went to Carrefour there to let me find a place to sit down and rest. Talking about them, they are Alex, Cherlyn, Veron, Sebas, Carol, Avan and Gabriel. As for me, i'm de eldest of all!!! Haha :P

They bought for me a students' ticket which is the cheapest so far after i've left sch! Only RM6!! Our cineplax is Num1. Our seats were at the middle facing the screen. Man, it was right in front of our eyes. So nice!!!!

My comments about HSM3 is ntg much. Juz usual, a teenage movie with lots ant lots of music and love scenes. Gabriella is alwiz the fav of mine because she's so pretty!!! Troy is good looking, bt somehow i don really feel so. I mean i admit he is good looking bt i don feel so. No offense, bt tat's wat i feel. Then, the plot was predictable. The songs were...erm not bad! Some were nt so nice, some were nice and some were super nice!! My all time fav was the dancing scene and the song Gabriella and Troy sung. That scene was also very memorable~

My frens were having the time of their life watching as they are still teenagers. Well, this is like 'their show', of course they will enjoy 100% of it! As for me, i was juz lazying around and enjoying the show. By the end of it, i actually had a tinge of sadness because the show is now finally ended. No more HSM to look forward to, and no more comparing between movies...hmm...i think i will miss the characters the most!

After the show, i was a bit hungry. So we all went to Old Town to have a bite! Me and Alex ordered French Toast, Sebas ordered noodles, Avan ordered Nasi Lemak while Veron ordered Ham Polo Bread. Poor me cannot drink any cold drinks so i ordered a cup of hot honey lime juice. Mmmm, nice!!!! Before we departed, we took a few nice pics as a remembrance. Our next movie will be 'Quantum of Solace'. I really can't wait for the next movie outing!!! These little ones are really fun to be with!!! Haha :P

PS: I think i'm allergic to peanut butter...cz after taking the French Toast, i had to take my medication again...sighs~

如何会嬴？？How to win???

2008-10-29T23:17:00.007+08:00

People alwiz like to win! I admit, i am one of them! I like to win!! I like the feeling of winning somebody from a competition, exam or even in an argument! The feeling of winning is incompatible!! Nobody and understand other than yourself!!! Imagine that you can have all the ppl looking up at u and knowing that wat u say really does make sense!!! And the look at their faces when they realized how wrong they were!!! Wahaha (evil laugh...)

However, winning isn't everything. I've learned from my experience that winning sometimes isn't that good at all. In my pass, i used to hate those ppl whom overpass me. I treated them as my enemies and had this kind of a 'scary' look when they come near to me. I refused to share tips with them fearing that they will overtake me in my exams. I oso will keep a close track with my fren's grades. If let's say they get better than mine, den i will go super depress for a whole day. Then, i will plot up a plan on how to overtake them by the end of the semester. My life was basically very 'kiasu' and 'kiasi'. (note: i'm nt a Singaporean!)

Due to those days, i am now oso a bit 'kiasu' and 'kiasi' in my daily lives. Little as it seems bt it still bothers me a lot. I cannot look into the person's eyes whenever they overturned me. These r the post-kiasu/si symthomps that i'm suppose to deal with right now.

My high school fren used to say that 'kiasu' isn't wrong. It helps u to be more competitive and alwiz push yourself to the limits. Now, i hav my own way of defining. Being 'kiasu' until a reasonable level is ok. Example, i am still quite 'kiasu' in my studies. My reason now isn't to win over my frens bt to make sure that i achieve the standards that i've set for myself. Then, being overly 'kiasu' will only bring me endless of pain and suffering, nt to mention lesser friends and ur brain is alwiz being blocked or narrowed!

That's y, i am here to share with u all this article i've found in 'Nanyang Newspaper'. It's about 'How to win?' They din boast saying that winning is so great that we should be proud of it! Instead, they stressed on humbling oneself 1st then working your way up to success!!! So here goes...

嬴第一个字“亡”：

亡代表要有危机意识，我们必须要随时了解我们所处的环境变化，过去成功的经验往往是未来失败最大的原因，安逸的日子久了，我们会越来越丧失斗志，有一个敌人或竞争者的好处是，它至少不会让你便闷。

亡也可以表示'无' 的意思，要学习让自己归零，对很多人，事，物不要有主观的成见，能多方了解彼此的需求。亡也可以很单纯是死亡或结束之意，虽是结束，但生命的周期是无限开展的，它更象证了机会与无限的生命力。

第二个字是“口”：

口代表沟通，必须把你的想法告诉所属，要在不同的场合中宣示要达成的目标与决心。成功的沟通是双向的，除了有良好的言语表达能力之外，也要有倾听的能力。听得清楚，有助于彼此了解的需求，更有助于自己陈述论点。

第三个字是“月”：

月指的是时间，任何嬴都要时间的累积，需要在岁月上下功夫，泡沫式的英雄作风最后总如昙花一现般地消失无终。棒球投手要有很严格的训练，他无法从书本中得到嬴球的技巧，必须在一次一次的比赛中掌握自己的优势，训练自己的胆识与应变能力。

月也代表亲身的实践，代表你无法自用命令方式，让别人来助你成功，而是要以身作则，以德服人，那时就一般，闪亮耀人。

第四个字是“贝”：

有钱就一定会嬴吗？这也未必，有的人虽然没有钱不过有技术，智慧财产权，商标专利，人际关系，跨国性公司的经理经验。。。。。。等，这些可能都是无形的财产。

因此，“贝” 应是筹码，是可以为自己加分的要素，它可能就是一个人的独特性，而要任何增加自己的筹码呢？在知识的÷经济的时代÷里，随时增加自己的知识，保持学习的态度，就是最好的扎根方法。

第五个字是“凡”：

凡指的是平常心，我们努力去争取胜利，但是最后的成绩，往往不一定尽如天意。

中国人说：“赛翁失马，焉知非福。”在每个失败中都含有成功的因子，我相信从失败中学到的东西，要比从成功中学到的东西多得多。

“嬴” 字可以拆成“亡”，“口”，“月”，“贝”，“凡” 5 个字，将这5个字引申为5个赢家所备的态度。

That's y i hate meetings!!!

2008-10-28T22:25:00.003+08:00

I just came back from a meeting juz now. It did really pissed me off a little! Sometimes i really looked forward for meetings cz i get to joke around with my friends bt sometimes i juz hated the way it goes! It started from nice and ended up badly (for me...)

Well, i was suggesting some ideas for the comin event. I was quite hoping that they will accept my idea cz it has been ages since the previous one. However, after a long explanation from my advisor, i've decided to change it to Gifts Exchange. Suddenly, they came up with the idea of having ppl being left out in the process!!! I really donno wat to say about tis. I knew it was comin!!! It has been like this all these while!!! Everytime I say something which i think will benefit the whole group they will think that i am juz crapping around trying to show off!! Then, they will cme out with reasons to shut my idea off and make me feel so left out!!!! I hate the way they treated me!!!!!! Imagine all ur ideas being shut-off all the time!!! Then, they will come out with their 'brand-new' ideas to cover mine making me so ridiculously stupid!!!! After that, they will explain how their ideas will benefit the whole group and we SHOULD ACCEPT IT!!!! KKLA!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?! BAN UR IDEAS MEH?! DEN WHEN I SAY SOMETHING THAT CONTRADICTS UR IDEAS U WILL SAY THAT I AM NOT THINKING WITH THE GROUP!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL BECAUSE U R DE BOSS RITE??? DEN I AM JUZ A STUPID BASTARD TRYING TO CREATE TROUBLE??? WTF WTF!!!!!!

Sometimes i am really fed up with these ppl. They want you to support their ideas no matter how and when u really need them to support ur ideas they will juz ignore u totally!!!! Then during yum char time can tell me saying that whenever you did anything wrong i can juz say if out, bt i know tat won't mean anything 2u!!! When tat happens, it has alredi been done and you still won't be held responsible!!! As for me!!! I'm alwiz the one having to be blame for all those ridiculous ideas!!! For not paying attention during meetings, my heart is not with u all, i'm trying to divide the team,etc... PLS LA!!!!! DO U THINK I AM SUCH A BITCH?!

Juz now the idea wasn't that bad, it's juz tat...i wanted to say that i am fed-up of doin gifts for ppl bcz i don hav much time!!! IT'S THE EXAM WEEK BY THEN!!! I CANNOT STAY UP WITH U GUYS SO LATE UNTIL WEE HOURS TO D GIFTS JUZ BCZ U GUYS GET THE PRIVILEGE TO DO SO!!! I am so tired of talking to u all sometimes...i know my ideas will sure to be shut even if it is solid good! U will alwiz think tat urs is the best...and we all will sure to support u...well my fren, i can say that u did a good job!! I do support ur ideas, bt sometimes with a reluctant heart!!!! I hate ur ideas bt somehow i was forced to accept it!!! Then when i make mistakes i was forced to accept the fact that I SUCKED!!!! IS THAT WAT U WANT?!

Sometimes during affirmation i wasn't even paying any attention in wat u r talking about me cz i don even like de way u talk!!!! Even when i say good things about u, i don mean it from my heart!!!! Can u pls juz for once prove to me that i am useful to the team and i am not juz a stupid ass sitting there and count money??? I know u all think that i am multi tasked bt do u like it if i oso treat u the way u all alwiz treated me??? I'm trying to contribute here!!! Bt u all....u all juz shut me out again and again....and God knows how many more i can handle...pls frens, don make me one day that i don even like the sound of urs...

I was really fed-up with u all in the meeting juz now...and for the moment....I HATE U!!!!!

I'm sick... :*(

2008-10-28T17:09:00.003+08:00

Dear diary,
I know, i know...it's been few days since i've blogged...what can can i do??? I was sick!!! Due to the sudden chance of weather in Malacca (a sudden heat and a few days of chilling rain), i was officially declared bed sick!!! It started with a fever and a bit of a flu. Then, it somehow brought back my cough and then...asthma!!! I get my last attack when I was 18!!! It has been almost 2 and a half years from that time!!!

I got my attack on Sunday nite. I was back from my Play Prac and was considering if i should go to the hospital for a nebulyzer. Since my last attack was so many years back, i consider that my body is well enough to pull through this. So i did my daily b4 bed routine by brushing my teeth, washed my face and then drank a cup of hot milk and ate some bread. After that, i decided to lay at my mum's bed for a while. Using my past experience, whenever i get an attack i won't be able to sleep well on the bed because i will get distracted by those loud 'wheezing' sounds coming out from my lungs whenever i draw breaths. My nightmare has happened, i really COULDN'T SLEEP!!!

So, i got up from the bed and asked both of my parents to check if i am really on asthma attack. Both of them said 'YES!! And you need to be sent to the hospital right away!!!'. 'Oh damn!!!' was all that i can thought of at the moment. Sighs~i went to change my clothes whilst my dad went to take my health report. It was a piece of a yellow card which recorded all my past asthma attacks and all its details. They say that whenever i present them with this card i can get immediate medical attention!!! That's the wonder of this yellow card!!! Not many ppl can have it u know!

It was around 12.20am when my dad dropped me in the hospital. My department is the one and only famost-Emergency aka ICU!!! The doors were closed but when the guard at the door saw me with my magic pass (my yellow card), they immediately opened the door 4 me!!! Then, i was surprised that they immediately gave me nebulyzer!! In the past i had to be examined and confirmed by a doc 1st b4 they will let me have any of them!!! Well, i was impressed by the way they attended to me. However, i was shocked by the scene when i reached the room. There were so many young children with the age of 4-5 yrs old and a few uncles! They were having breathing problems as well!!! Compared to mine ( i could still talked properly), it was considered mild...

I was given nebulyzer...den all i could think is to breath in and out properly so that the medicine can take effect on me. So, i thought of how i normally breath when i am swimming. Open my mouth to take in ample of air and breath out through my nose! So, i was actually imagining myself in MbMb swimming while i can actually taking my nebulyzer!!! Funny eh?! My friend Adrienne sms-ed me when i was half way through. She was glad that i am now under treatment. Then, there were these Malay uncle. He couldn't breath properly and was having a hard time. So, the paramedic gave him a pulse check. My goodness! His pulse was racing and they had to wad him!! Later, a young Malay girl came in with a wheelchair. She was so sick until she couldn't even talked other than frowning (she was suffocating)!!! Half way through, she went limp for a while because of the medicine!!! Luckily she din passed out! As for me, i was having shaky hands and my mind was swirling due to the medicine. I looked at them and just pitied them. What else can i do??? There were kids around me vomiting after their nebulyzer (i used to be like that too, cz ur pipeline is being enlarged back, so too much air in ur lungs can cause u this feeling of swirling and vomiting), and all i could do was juz looked at them with helpless eyes...

I sat at the chair for like 40mins after my nebulyzer (it's the rules) and replied A's sms. Then, i juz took a nap while waiting for my doc's call. Luckily, i passed through my 1st nebulyzer and was allowed to go home!!! Yahoo!!! Do you know how tiring it could be if i were to go for a 2nd round?? Not only another round of nebulyzer for like 40mins and another round of waiting!!! So, I really thanked God for helping me pass!

At the pharmacy counter, the chinese officer gave me my usual Sulbotamol, a packet of while tablets inside, and Erythromycin. The 1st one is my usual asthma medicine, the 2nd one is for i donno wat oso, bt he said i only hav to take it once and 6 tablets at once!!!! The last one is for de-toxin.

I went home at around 2.30am, and had a bread and a cup of hot milk then ate up all my medicine! I couldn't really sleep at night cz the medicine is so heaty and my room wasn't really air-coned!! Still, was grateful that i was alive and could breath properly again!

My past few days of post-asthma attack wasn't as nice as i thought. My hands trembled like mad, my head was heavy, drowsy and i was very thirsty all the time!! I din know what to do, so i juz lied down on the bed and tried to catch some sleep. However, the hot weather wasn't any good in helping me to sleep at all!

Last nite, I finally get my nicest sleep!!! I sure hope that I can get well soon. According to my knowledge, an attack like this will take months to recover and months of no cold food or even drinks!!! So, bye bye to my cray life and all those nice foods~~

Hi!

2008-10-23T16:21:00.004+08:00

Dear diary (or should I say blog?),
It's been ages since I ever started to write something here. Let's see, 2007?? I think it's more than a yr! I have to admit that i am a very busy and lazy person!!! I don like to pour out my thoughts and let ppl read. So, my blog won't be that personal. Juz some happy moments I spent with my loved ones. As for those emotional moments, let's forget it and let me and myself indulge in it k!
2day is a very peaceful day. I woke up and did some PnW discussion with a fren. Den after tat, I juz lazied at home and played cards with my siblings. I guess the weather juz make ppl wanna snooze. Later tonight, I'll be practising "Magnificat"!!! Juz in case for those who donno, 'Magnificat' is a very hard choir song my church youth sung during our Christmas Play last yr. It was a hard song to learn! I thought after our last performance last yr we won't be able to sing it anymore! When Jasmine sms-ed me last week saying that our priest is requesting us to sing this song again, my heart leaped a hundred folds!!!! Suddenly all my holiday plans of lepaking at The Jetty, Pure, Mbmb...all went away!!! I juz want to practise this song!!!! It's like, suddenly all my senses r bak!!! I'm ready to go through those days of practising very hard with my groupmates!!!! Until we all can sing the best!!!! Oh my!!!! I can't believe that I'll be singing this song 2nite!!! I sure hope that we can perform well this Nov!
I pray that the Lord will bless us! Cz without Him, we cannot give our best!!! We prayed a lot for it last yr!

Life is back to normal.

2007-07-05T14:49:00.000+08:00

I'm already in my 3rd week of studies in MMU. Most of my STSD friends are now in their Uni starting a new life.

As for me here, nothing special really. Just wake up every morning to go to class, come back home, watch Anime, do tutorials, read up some books, attend meetings, choir practices, hang-out with my MMU friends once in a while, become driver for my 2 siblings,....that's all. Life is finally heading back on track.

Actually, I like this feeling of being back to normal. :)

离别

2007-06-28T00:56:00.000+08:00

See this picture?? It's my class photo took in 2004 before our SPM. We went back to St.David to arranged tables and chairs for our SPM. That, was also our last opportunity to take a full class picture of 5sc1.

I really thank God for having given many unforgettable memories during my schooling years. My wonderful bunch of friends. I will never forget those days when we had to strive hard for our grades, slapping each others' back, teasing one another, quarrelling, fighting, sharing each others' jokes and problems,...etc etc... We had such wonderful times spent together!!

Now, all of my friends are leaving for their studies. One of my friend even cried because of this. After we all go for our studies (though I'm still in MLK MMU), we can hardly meet each other anymore. She's true... things will never be the same again without my friends around. Of course, I still have my MMU, church and other friends; but friends journeying with me from young is hard to find! Our bond is strong! Knowing the fact that they won't be staying in Malacca for long really hurts me. Though it might sound stupid, but I really felt like crying now! I can't bear the fact that I am about to be separated from my school friends from now. Yes, they will come back for their holidays, but still I WILL MISS THEM DEARLY!!!! oh, why can't we study together in a same class like before???? oh...... :(

Some of my friends will be leaving on this Saturday. I sure will be crying again because I just can't stand separation!!!! Deep in my heart, I want to wish my friends all the best in their future undertakings. I will always cherish the friendship we earn and it will not perish no matter what!

~*Though it's hard to let you go, in the Father's hands we know, that a life time's not too long...to live as friends*~

THANK YOU MY FRIENDS FOR MAKING MY LIFE BEAUTIFUL

A lesson about FORGIVENESS

2007-06-21T19:49:00.001+08:00

Last Sunday, my church priest gave a very wonderful sermon about FORGIVENESS.

He started off with a lists of quotes. There were quotes from Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, George McDonald,... Many of them touched me!! I didn't know till then how powerful is the ability to forgive. It wasn't always an easy way for me to forgive people. Until now, I am still struggling to forgive some of my friends who have hurt me in the past. Often enough, I allow myself to go back to the shadows of the past and let it take over me. The sermon really did made a BANG on my head! It's time for me to wake up!! 'You will not be forgiven unless you learn to forgive', ' You will not experience love unless you learn to forgive', 'Don't expect people to forgive you until you forgive them',....etc... Wow!!! This is HARD!!! How??? How??? I have many things in my mind playing at that moment. Can I forgive others? and allow myself to be hurt again and forgive again and again?? Can I? I know it's not easy, but I have to try. Taking my first step is a very challenging one.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.-- Mahatma Gandhi

Know all and you will pardon all. --Thomas A’Kempis

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.—Unknown

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. --Cherie Carter-Scott

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.--George Herbert

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. --William A. Ward

To err is human; to forgive is divine.-- Alexander Pope

Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness, or else forgiving another. --Jean Paul Richter

Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love. --Mahatma Gandhi

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. --Robert Quillen

Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life. --George MacDonald

"If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive"-Mother Theresa

I WANT TO LEARN TO FORGIVE

Gamma year! Here I Come!!!

2007-06-14T16:38:00.000+08:00

haha!! How r u all?? Long time no see lo! okok, I know my English is superbly broken....back to normal...

My 3 weeks long holiday is finally coming to an end. I really thank God that I didn't wasted all my time. During my holidays, I went for a 'Set Free' Retreat in Good Shepherd Seminary, badminton, 'yum char', MP & DP, PnW meetings with Kellyn, endless of CFM meetings, watching all kinds of Taiwan Young Teenage drama, bringing my relatives around Malacca...etc..So, I guess I didn't wasted all my time!!

Few days ago, I finally got my Beta 3rd sem results. I passed all my subjects, but my results are like SHIT!!! My CGPA is lower than 3.00!!! Oh my oh my...now how am I suppose to face my AA next sem??? Die!! DIE!!! I'm sure going to be drowned by all kinds of nasty remarks!!! Next semester, I'll be going up to Gamma year. Means I'm another year ahead now. Subjects are getting harder....If I continue with my current attitude of studying, I doubt that I can even get pass my 2.9+ CGPA. It's time for me to do something to save myself from this drastic mess!!! No more fooling around with friends, talking during lecture class, skipping tutorial works, fooling with my assignments, and doing some last minute study!!!!!

These were some of the plans me and Rachel had in mind to change for our next semester. We HAVE TO TRY OUR BEST in our studies starting from now!!! Wish us luck friends, we must not disappoint ourselves and our beloved parents.

A Tour with the Americans in Malacca

2007-06-08T13:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, my aunties from KL decided to bring their American relatives to come to Malacca for a tour. MY aunt's car arrived at 10am while the other car (unfortunately spoiled at Seremban) arrived at 2pm. The earlier ones went to Bkt Beruang for their lunch earlier on. The latter ones unfortunately didn't had time for their lunch because they were rushing for time to go around Malacca. So, my dad brought his car to escort the other two cars around Malacca. We parked our car behind the OCBC bank car park and started our Malacca Tour. It was in the 3-4pm, the weather wasn't pleasing at all!!! Hot, hot and VERY HOT!!!! Obviously, the other 3 American Chinese relatives were having a hard time walking under the sun. Our 1st station was the Clock Tower. A very famous tourism spot in Malacca where all the tourists sure will stop by to buy some souvenirs or just take some pictures. Me and my sis even took the opportunity to take some funny snaps!! haha :P Then, our group splitted to two and I was supposed to bring them up the St.Paul's Hill. Then, here is the more exciting part! With a weather like this, nobody in the right mind will want to go up that hill because you not only have to bear with the hot weather, and you also have to climb up the stairs. Plus, the way up the hill is kinda long. Thinking twice, I decided to bring them there, seeing that it is one of the interesting part in Malacca Tourists spots. Sure enough, while on our way there, my poor outstation relatives were actually complaining under their breaths about having to climb up the stairs all the way up there and under the hot sun. As for me, I didn't really took notice of them because believe in 'No pain, no gain'. Anyway, this IS Malacca!!! Hot is our weather!! Besides, St. Paul's Hill IS a nice spot to go to!! Imagine the whole Malacca view is right in front of your eyes when you reach the top!! Doesn't that sounds satisfying??? However, I understand their feeling of Malacca. Sorry folks...this is Malacca...so, BEAR WITH IT OR LEAVE IT!!! At the top, my cute little relatives were having their fun time exploring the old church, watching some Portuguese singers singing, throwing coins into the wishing well (actually more like an empty graveyard; St. Francis used to lay there once). In order to motivate my fellow relatives to walk down the hill faster and more cheerfully, I told them about our newly opened Dataran Pahlawan Shopping Mall at the foot of the hill (I also added about the AC!!). Sure enough, their eyes went sparkling!!! Before going in DP, they stopped by to have some picture sessions at the A'Famosa and some cannons, rocks, iguana!! When we stepped into DP, we felt like stepping into heaven!!!! Those American relatives were showing signs of relief when they felt the cold air. i had to admit, it felt GREAT!!! After that, is SHOPPING time!!! Ladies went shopping, guys went loitering, kids went playing and the Malaccans did nothing....Since, I will be going shopping with my friends sooner or later, I just sat aside and watched over the kids and made sure my outstation relatives don't go lost. Still, at the end of their shopping spree, one of the American boy went missing and we had to search for him for near 30mins!! Phew~~ Thank God he has been found!!! Of course....back to the hot air...more complains...more sweat....we were heading back to our cars... Next station, we brought them to 'Tan Kim Hock'. My mum walked to Italy Bakery to buy them some tarts and 'sao pao'. Wow!!! We ate them heartily!! Finally ( I mean FINALLY!!!), they went to Pt. Kundur. Well, this place I don't have to explain much because I've been coming for camps in the Brother's Bungalow just opposite this beach and I'm quite familiar with it. It was sunset when we arrived. Me and my sis snapped some very nice sunset view at the beach and we were amazed at how beautiful our very own Malacca beach can look when we paid attention to it. After some sand and sea water kicking, we finally went back home (HOME HOME~~~~) We had our departure meal at home and they went back at 9 something at night. I managed to talk to the American guy before he went back to KL...hehe..*wink. Actually they were quite nice people, maybe we didn't had enough time to know more about each other. Their mum is a very elegant lady, her daughter is very fair and pretty while her son looks handsome; my aunt said he looks like Wu Yan Zhu-a Hong Kong actor. It was a very tiring day indeed!!!!

HAIL THE NEW AMERICAN IDOL-JORDIN SPARKS!!!!!

2007-05-24T20:31:00.000+08:00

wohoooo~~!!!! Jordin Sparks is the American Idol 2007!!! YYeeesss!!! She is really a fantastic singer!!

Last nite when I heard her last song 'This Is My Now', I was really being swept away by her touching voice! At that moment, I knew that she will be the next American Idol!! Wow!! She is really awesome!! Great singer she is! And very young!! 17th only leh! Same age as my brother! Imagine that!

Her winning song-'This Is My Now', the lyrics indeed touched my heart.

This song was written for the American Idol Songwriter’s Competition, Scott Krippayne and Jeff Peabody came together to compose this very unique song. To be recorded by the next American Idol, Peabody had to say:

“I’m looking forward to being able to download one of my songs,” says Peabody, a church pastor who wrote the song with Scott Krippayne, a member of his New Day Church congregation. “It’s just very surreal. Something that was just an idea a few weeks ago has blossomed into this huge thing.”

Now here, is the song~

<This Is My Now>
There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I'd reached the end
Baby that was then
I am made of more than my yesterdays

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I looked around
I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

Had to decide
was I going to play it safe
or look somewhere deep in inside
try to turn the tide
and find the strength to take that step of faith

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

And I have the courage like never before, yeah
I've settled for less but I'm ready for more
Ready for more

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment
I look around I can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now

I am breathing in the moment
As I look around
Can't believe the love I see
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then
This is my now
This is my now

P/S: Thank you Lord, for inspiring the people who wrote this song. I've learned a great lesson from the song.

I packed my dreams away when you tried me, hide myself in my own world, trying to avoid you and the things that I used to love. And I used to be so afraid, afraid that I might be hurt or being disappointed again, and I really thought that I have already reached the end of my journey serving you.

But you have let me see your plans. I am made more than my yesterdays. You gave me strength to carry on, and You casted all my fears, shadows and doubts away. You helped me in search of love and to part-take in the step of renewing my faith.

Now, I'm picking up the courage. I've settled for less, but I'm ready for more. This is my now. Thank you Lord!!

时间巴士

2007-05-22T20:38:00.000+08:00

今天，我在我朋友的部落里读到了一篇非常感动的文章，想与大家分享！

它叫做－《时间巴士》

『时间巴士曾带我到绿油油的快乐草地，也到达过凹凸不平的山区小路。
路途中我都会感受到，与先下车的亲人分离的伤心。
路途中我都会感受到，达成目标成功的喜悦。
路途中。。。我也会感受到，失败挫折的失落。
但我还是要继续往未来前进，因为时间巴士不会为我而停下。』

这，只是那文章的一小段。不过，却句句诉说出我的心事。好真的一篇文章！！！！身为读者的我，不禁对着这文章而痛思一番。

日前，我因为一件小小的挫折，而变得自暴自弃。现在，回想起来，真的有一点的愚蠢。

人生的路，就有如这巴士走的那段路，一定有凹凸不平。在路程上，我一定会感受到与亲人的分离伤心，达成目标的喜悦还有失败挫折的失落感！我好苯！！！这么简单的一个人生道理，我都不明白,成天沉睡在自己的堕落里。心里一直以为一时的失败，会是永远的失败。一点点的挫折，将它视为一个永不可翻身的理由。

原来，我是一位那么没有远见的糊涂少女！一点的挫折都担当不起！！还说在未来要当什么女强人！！！天啊！！！！我的这些梦想还遥不可及！！！！心里素质还不够班啊！！！

话说回来，其实我也明白，在人生的道路上，我难免会遇到一些挫折。有些挫折，是为了要我好。所以，我决定勇敢地面对我那丑陋的一面，好好地战胜它！！！！！我，一定得将它打败！！否者，我在未来的人生道路上，别说要成为女强人吧，我看连面对生活上的小小问题都是种麻烦！！！

王晓薇，你好好地加油吧！！！！！别让自己看不起你自己！！！！积极地面对人生的一切吧！！！！干巴爹！！！！！

New Hair Colour!!!!!!!

2007-05-21T22:14:00.001+08:00

Guess wat guys??? Mary has a new hair colour!!!! Yeah!!!

I reached the saloon at 1pm where the jie jie asked me to choose the colour I wanted to dye from a colour pallet. I wanted something like reddish brown hair colour. So, she introduced me a lighter version of it. At first I kinda resisted because I don't want it to turn out like an 'ah lian', but after some advises from her, I decided to follow.

Sitting on the chair with the hair dye spreading on my whole head was rather enjoying but irritating. Enjoy is because my head felt cool~~~ Irritating is because I can't stand sitting there for an hour!! Still, I managed to pull through.

As I was sitting on the chair waiting for the colour to be absorbed by my hair, I can't help myself but to look into the mirror to check out my hair colour. It looked really bright and I was so afraid that I will become a fake 'ah lian' after I washed my hair. So, I kept on asking the jie jie what will my hair be like. Will it be too bright???? She said no!!! It won't!! Cz my original hair colour is too dark that even with this bright colour I won't look too 'ah lian' In fact, the colour won't be too outstanding. Sure enough, after I rinsed my hair, it looked like it hasn't been dyed. My hair colour can only be seen unless it is directly under the sun. From far, you can't really spot the differences.

This is what I had planned!! A hair colour which can be seen at day but can slightly be seen at night!!! Phew~~ Luckily my mum and granny kinda liked it!!! In fact, me too!!!! Now, I just have to wait for another 2 days to wash my hair, so that the colour will last. Can't wait to shock my friends with my new hair look!!! haha!!!

MMMEEERRRRDDDDDEEEEEKKKKKAAAA!!!!!!!!

2007-05-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

OK FOLKS!!! GUESS WAT???? I'M ALIVE TO ANNOUNCE-MMEERRDDEEKKAA!!!!! After a week of non-stop exams, I've finally finished all my course papers!!!! Yeah!!!! (though I still have French paper, but who cares!) Here is a summary of my perfotmace during my exams....ehemehem....!!! Get ready 4 da truth!

1st paper....Advanced Management English
Was rather crappy cz I donno wat 2 write for my 'darkness'. Founded out that actually Zheng Xian DID STUDY for literature and has plenty of tips for it. Too bad I din even knew he studied..If not, I think I would have scored.

2nd paper....MA!!!
PPl say I looked like my MA lecturer but in mind, I don't think so! If I were like her, I won't be leaving the hall cursing my MA paper rite? My cash budget was a disaster!!! Other than tat was still ok.

3rd paper-Finance (????)
Finance...the minute I looked at my notes I felt like falling asleep on it because it is sooooo BORING and FULL WITH FORMULAS!!!!! I hate dead subject with a lot to remember!!! The paper wasn't as hard as I thought. It was just ok 4 me. Hopefully I can score a pass on this paper.

4th paper aka THE HELL OF ACCOUNTING!!!!-FAR1
Like the name, hell is what we have to go through while studying this subject. It is the most fearsome subject for me and all I hope is nt to repeat my mistake in trimester 1 in my Fundamentals of Accounting paper. True by itself, it came out some questions which looked familiar but I still couldn't make any of my answers correct. When I finished the paper, I felt nothing and I really don't wanna care about it. We were 'ba' d!

5th paper-Macroecons!!!
Walau....I slept for only 2 hours leh!~~When that questions came out, I couldn't answer because what I've studied in the textbook couldn't be used to answer them. Die lor wa sommore. Tembak here tembak there my answers and try to make it sound normal to gain some marks!!! Hopefully the lecturer understands all my theories.

6th paper- French (nt yet!!!)
haha....this paper I haven't sit for it but I don really care cause it's kinda an easy paper for me!! As long that I used up my 5 days to study I don think it's much of a prob!!!

ok!! Tat's all for my Beta 3rd Trimester Finals!!! Time to say 'tata' and enjoy my holidays!!!~~ Lalalalalala~~~~

I wanna heal!! I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong!!!!

2007-05-09T20:49:00.000+08:00

OK folks!! Here goes. I have finally see my mistakes and how it hurt me most of the time!!! I just feel like I wanna find back the real me. I mean- THE REAL LOVING ME!!!!! Like the song 'Amazing Grace', I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see. Yep, I see all my darkness! All I want now is just forgiveness and a chance to prove myself that I still do love you all!!!! I really mean it!!! Please give me a chance to prove that I do. I WANNA HEAL, FEEL AND FIND A PLACE I REALLY BELONG!!!!

This song does comes from the bottom of me heart!!!!

<>
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all to find
That I am not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That's it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what I am)
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the way everybody is looking at me'
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I WILL NEVER KNEW MYSELF UNTIL I DO THIS ON MY OWN
AND I WILL NEVER FEEL ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL MY WOUNDS ARE HEALED
I WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING TILL I BREAK AWAY FROM ME
I WILL BREAK AWAY, I'LL FIND MYSELF TODAY

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I WANNA HEAL, I WANNA FEEL LIKE I'M SOMEWHERE I BELONG!!!!!!!
I WANNA HEAL, I WANNA FEEL LIKE I'M SOMEWHERE I BELONG!!!!!!!
SOMEWHERE I BELONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

我该放开了

2007-05-08T13:41:00.000+08:00

挣扎了这么久，也想了这么久。。。。我终于也想开了。老天爷，你说在打击中，您都可以带给我们利益和希望。我求求你。。。。。。带我脱离这个苦海，可以吗？？？我在你眼中的未来，还有希望吗？？？求你，在黑暗中带给我希望。谢谢。

Broken, yet fixed

2007-05-05T11:18:00.000+08:00

I am broken, yet fixed! I have lost my way while trying to serve You. I seek fame and glory while all You wanted from me was just a sincere heart. A heart of kindness, love, humble and generous. I have failed....I have totally been blinded from all fame and glory. His righteousness saw my weakness and decided to pull me back to the right path.

I have gone astray while serving him. Why Lord have I become another person which I don't even know? Have I deceived myself? Have I deceived You???? I once longed to serve You whole heartedly without asking for reward and cost. Now, I started to become so selfish that I felt I am becoming more and more evil. I have lost Oh Lord....forgive me....for I don't know what have I done. I have lost all my love, humble, kindness and generosity....and now...I have nothing!!! I have lost the will to serve You....I am broken....felt like I am now in pieces....But, I knew if I wasn't into pieces....I will never see the scary self of mine....Now that I am aware of it....I felt afraid. I am afraid that You will abandon me and left me alone in pieces....Please don't let me die Oh Lord!!! I still want to serve You!!!! Tell me how???How can I get well again????When??? I have nothing left already!!!!

The pieces are broken, yet fixed!

A song of mine during times of despair

2007-05-04T00:39:00.000+08:00

I was lost, despair, weak and don't know which way to go. Just when I thought of giving up all the talents that God has given me in serving him, I noticed I was wrong! He wanted me to see my weakness in me before I fall deeper into sin! Therefore, he sent me Rachel (my best friend) to help me to wake me up from my dreams and saved me!!!

This song was sung by Carrie Underwood in the Idols Gives Back last week. After hearing this song, I felt so touched by God's love in my life. How He had wanted to just stand by me in my daily lives and prevent me from falling-falling into deep sin. Thank you Lord. I praise Your most holy name with this song-'I'll Stand By You'.

Imagine that God is speaking to us through this song...it makes the whole song alive!!! Alleluia!!!

Oh, why you look so sad,
Tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now.

And don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through,
'Cause I've seen the dark side too.

When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less.

I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.

So, if you're mad, get mad;
Don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.

And hey,
What you got to hide?
I get angry too,
Well, I'm a lot like you.

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along,
'Cause even if you're wrong,

I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.

I'll stand by you,
Take me in into your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you,
I'll stand by you.

And when, when the night falls on you, baby,
You're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own.

'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.

I'll stand by you,
Take me in into your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
(repeat and fade)

I'm in the toughest phrase of my life

2007-04-30T09:15:00.000+08:00

Last weekend I finally found out the really truth about myself. After all these time, I thought I was capable enough and serious enough but it turned out to be the exact opposite. When I asked about what they think about my capability, they said I wasn't decisive, serious enough ( in the sense that I am serious in times I'm not suppose to and vice versa), not daring to take risk and blur in times. Some of these points I agreed but some I don't. When saying about seriousness, I thought I was serious enough when I am handling my work. How can people judge according to what was in the past rather than what I have changed so far? I mean I can feel it myself that I am serious in taking up jobs now. How come you people never noticed it? I am so sad...I donno what to do...I am lost...feeling weak and hopeless now...Is that what others think of me? Am I such a failure in leading people??? Am I??? Friends, I invite you to evaluate me in this blog. Feel free to say what you want though some points might hurt me, but I know that this is for my own good.

Am I such a failure??? Am I that bad that I don't deserve the credit to be appreciated?? I am hurt. Day and night I have been trying very hard to accept these facts and I am still trying to get use to it and try to change. I have already lose hope in my capability of doing things...and all I ask for now is God to gave me strength.

Just now, I asked my mum. She told me that God's way of doing things is special. He wants us to do what we are incapable of, means what I am capable of I might not able to get it. And how sometimes I have to learn about humility. What my mum has said is true. I have too much pride in me and I never listen to others. I am too proud. That's why God want me to be humble. By doing this, only I will learn. Serving Him is really hard. He knows me too well even to my weakness. Now I realised what is this all about...Such a hard fall to make me realise such a huge mistake I have! It is hard to accept but I praise Lord for letting me fall in order to wake me up. If not, I think I will carry this stupid pride of mine until the end of my life. What a stupid person I am!! I am so hopeless!!! Really a sucker in life!! Where all these time I thought I was in the top of the world where everyone should only listen to my orders. Wrongs Mary, WRONG!!! This isn't what God wants from you. He wants you TO SERVE HUMBLY! At the same time, he also wants me to learn how to work with others despite of their age. Though this fall may be hard but at least He wants you to learn this LESSON OF LIFE!!!

Thank you Lord for letting me fall...I pray that You will grand me the strength to stand up again...

P/S: Friends, next time if you all noticed how bad am I in hadling things, please just tell me off without hesitation! I don't mind if you tell me off but I DO MIND if you come and tell me when it is too late.

Also, please pray for me as I am going through this tough phrase of life. Many thanks~~

yeah!! A day of rest!!

2007-04-21T20:20:00.000+08:00

Yyyyyyyeeeeeesssssss!!!!! Finally!!! A Saturday nite of rest!!! I've been dreaming for this day to arrive and finally it's here!!!!

Most of my Saturday were either packed with church activities, friends outings, assignments meetings, meetings and club events. Phew~~most of my Saturdays just went past with a swift and Monday just come faster than i thought!!! I've been yearning for a nice Saturday rest at home where I can just stay at home with my family and watch TV. Tonight, my dream finally came true!!

Wow, must really appreciate tonight man!! Who knows when will be my next Saturday rest. After all, next Saturday I'll be having camp, then next Sat I'll be rushing for my studies, then next Sat will be another camp....etc etc etc...Wah!!! Really must appreciate this God gave night man!!

Okla....got to have a nice bath, eat my favorite curry chicken meal and watch Smallville!!! Hopefully that my friends will have a wonderful Saturday night too!!Ciao 1st!!

Fr Bala Orphanage Visiting

2007-04-16T22:33:00.000+08:00

erm...1st of all, I would like to clarify that this picture I posted was taken in last year 2006 because the recent photos are not out yet. ehemehem! :P

Last Sunday the CFM decided to have a visiting to the Fatima Home. It has been an annual activity for us since last year. There, we had a wonderful time with the children. We started with action songs which brought the children to a high point, followed by an interesting 'Football' sketch. Then, it was games session. All of us (including the children) were having the time of our lives! There were ball kicking, dice throwing and flour blowing. What I enjoyed was looking at the children with their faces covered with flour!! haha!!! We all looked funny la!!! Our visiting ended up with the song 'Celebrate Jesus Celebrate, Come on and Celebrate'. Honestly, I really had quality time spent with the orphans there. They have made me see how optimistic they are in their life. Hence, I respect them.

I hope to get to visit them more often now or visit them annually!!!

P/S: Though after the visiting I was very tired but I feel that it is worth it!!! Thank You Lord!!!

oh heck! (last week story...now ok d..hehe)

2007-04-16T20:39:00.000+08:00

What a week man...what a week!!! I've managed to annoy my friends till the boiling point! Isn't that a GREAT JOB??? Even I myself also cannot believe it! Well, when it came to the point I saw this so-called 'trying to annoy me message' in MSN, I wasn't annoy with my friend at all. Weird isn't it? Someone out there was sooooo annoyed with me and claiming that our friendship is not worth but here am I wondering the reason of my non-annoyance. However, I do felt disturbed by this message. All the time I was trying to ask myself should I be annoy or not. Then, to think properly, from my friend's point of view, there wasn't any mistake for his anger; neither do mine. Both of us were just focusing on different things and thought that our own event are important. When both important things met, conflict would appear. That is why I found no reason to be angry of this friend of mine. Still, if this friend was still angry of me, I also cannot do anything to reduce the anger. So, I decided to be just normal.

In class, there were obvious signs that this friend doesn't even want to know my existence. Oh whatever! I still greeted my friend cheerfully as usual and leave the anger to him to decide on his own. After class, I had my mission impossible to rush for-'Finance Assignment'!!! Whoa!!! It was a moment of happiness and fear. Fear was because I was afraid all the pieces of details won't fit; happy is because in the end with our teamwork, we finally managed to hand up our assignment in time. The feeling of satisfaction was awesome!

Finally, I've decided to thank all my team members who helped me out in this assignment. So, one by one, I thanked them with my whole heart. Here came the time where this friend of mine is in my team. Then, I thought of not saying thank you since this friend has already stated that our friendship doesn't worth. But then, to think again, is it worth that I just blow this friendship away without giving a try to fix this situation? After all, which friendship doesn't face challenges? So, I plucked up the courage (this friend nearly ran away after the class, phew~what a catch!), managed to say a big 'thank you' and a friendly smile. Wow, at that time, I was really free!! The reason? Just purely free from hatred!! Since it was a risk, I did thought it might turn from bad to worst.

But then, once again, the Lord has showed me in many ways, that forgiveness is everything. Sometimes, just a simple smile and a heart full of thanks will turn an awful situation to a nice situation. Funny, how human minds can control their feelings. When you feel angry, you feel angry. If during your state of anger, your enemy just step in with a smile and talk to you nicely, suddenly things seem to be clear! See, now I finally understand how powerful is a smile and a 'thank you' could change any body's day! A smile and a 'Thank You' can make your day shine!!! This is true!! I've tested and experienced it!!!

So, to everyone out there, give each other a warm smile and a big hug or even a heartfelt 'Thank You'!!!!! Thank You everyone!!! muakssss!!!! :)

2007-04-10T11:07:00.000+08:00

It has been a day of depress after yesterday night. My mind just kept on thinking of the things that is happening around me. I ended up moody the whole day. At school, some of my frends are still annoyed of me because I didn't helped out in the preparation. Sighs~can't blame them anyway. Then, I had my sleepers spoiled while I was on way my to class. What a day!

I hate the world and the world hates me

2007-04-09T01:48:00.000+08:00

What have I done to deserve this? Did I do anything wrong?? How come it seems that everyone in this world is starting to hate me?? CFM, church members, school mates, close friends,..etc... It seems that I'm changing from bad to worse, and I had just did something terribly wrong to them.

What have I done??? I really don't know. For school mates that hate me because I didn't helped out much in the preparation for Culture Night. Ok, I admit, it was my fault. I should have withdraw long time ago if I knew that I won't be with you guys in the most important preparation day. I left you all in the hall and let you guys struggled with all the decoration stuffs. So, I'm sorry. This is truly my fault. I know that no matter how, now you all have a bad image about me. Fine, go on with it, I don't mind because I deserved it anyway. Go ahead if you all want to scold, criticise or whack me. As long as you all can forgive me and accept me back as a friend. But, I have to clarify that I have no regrets of sending 'that sms' to ZX during this afternoon. What I have messaged, I have messaged. I meant every single word I wrote in the sms. My situation at that time was like on a rocking bridge. Which ever way I choose, I will fall drastically. I had to bear commitment to you all, my church and family. Till the end, I cannot find a way to satisfy everyone of them. If anyone is smart and experience enough, please do come and teach me how to do, because I am totally lost now. Choosing either one of them, will hurt the others. Plus, please bear in mind that all the promises I have made was from my very own self and I do know of the consequences. Please don't be mistaken that I haven't thought of what I have said to you all. Therefore, I am willing to accept whatever punishment you guys might think of. Just do it, I'm ok with it.

When it comes to CFM, I was really upset. How can such a lovely youth group that I had once loved dearly had changed? or was it that I am the one changing?? How come nobody dare to come up and tell me??? If you guys think that you all are so smart, then go ahead without me!!! Sometimes I am so pissed off with the way you all do things!! You all only inform those who are closer to you and ignore those who are not so close. I am in the category of both. What's that suppose to be?? That I sometimes can be informed and sometimes no need?? Who do you guys think you are? The only reason that I'm still in the group is because I have once promised 'Someone' (This person is no joke k!) that no matter what is the challenge I may face while serving this group, I will never leave. Just right after I've made this promise, everything starts to become a mess!! I started to hate somebody in the group and my relationship with other team members has started becoming cold. I never talked to them as I used to be anymore. Somethings I shut away from them but they also never tell me the truth sometimes, then how am I suppose to be honest to them all? Then someone in the group tend to talk to me but in actual fact, super bo-song me already. Yea, fine!! Have it your way then! After all, I hate you!!! Soooooooooo hate you!!!!!! Until know I also don't know why am I still faking myself to talk to you. When it comes to things for discussion, my ideas are normally pushed aside and what you guys say is the correct one. But then do you all know that by the end of the meeting, you all will 'unconsciously' stick back to my earlier proposed idea and claim it as you own!!! Wow!!! I am so pissed off right now!! What's the purpose of me serving while my ideas are normally being label as in-appropriate? Now, I really feel that I can't work with you all already. Maybe, it is the time that I'm suppose to quit ( I know that somebody is super happy when he/she knows about it). Since that, I'm no longer usable in the team. Do you all know that I am so heartbroken right now? I'm so sad...so sad...yet too annoyed to tell you all!!!! Please man, I want back my old days of laughter in the team in order for me to carry on my duty. If not, I might...who know...quit? Yea, when the day comes, I will. Don't worry too much. By then you can have all your free way and do everything as your wish.

To sum up everything, I am really disappointed with how not understanding of the ones that know me. I've been together with you guys long enough to know my true self,yet you all never seem to respect me. Why am I being treated like this all the time? Since young, I've been treated by all those around me like that as well. That's why I've never dared to trust my friends totally because I'm afraid that they might hurt my feelings. As usual, I will be the one crying and you all will not border. Friends are friends forever, I love CFM,...will these be true? I really don't know right now. Only God knows. Hopefully, He will have a solution for me.

JESUS CHRIST IS RISEN!!! ALLELUIA!!!

2007-04-08T02:48:00.000+08:00

Rejoice!! For our Lord Jesus has risen from the dead!!! Alleluia!!!

On Good Friday, I was in a mood of silent. At the same time I also tried to fast from all my favourite food, drinks and hobbies, like net surfing and watching TV. It was quite a torture for me but I felt it was worth it, because we get to experience how hard it is for others to live without all of these facilities; and to remind me of how lucky I am. Friday started out with many silent meditation, fasting, station of the cross and Good Friday services. All standing and kneeling down almost killed me! However, like I said, it was worth while.

Then on Saturday, I left to MMU round 9:20am for Japanese Culture Night decoration. Sighs~~ I have to admit that I am really not committed enough because I can't be there to help them most of the time. It was Easter Vigil, I had to go to church for this grand occasion. Moreover, I was one of the singers for that night.How could I split myself? While practicing the songs in church I still thought of my friends who were busy working out the decorations in MMU. Yea, it's a hectic job and not everyone can stand it. Especially when they meet members like me...sighs~~ they must felt like tearing me apart. But how?? I've thought so many ways and couldn't find a perfect solution. Is this meant that I'm not suitable to hold any working committee post in MMU and serve only CFM? oohhh!!! I really don't know!! I'm really torn between these two. In the end, I can only pick one. Till now, I still don't know which to choose.

Our singers tonight (Saturday night at Easter Vigil) sang well and the musicians were superb!!! Thanks everyone for making this night a success!!! I will remembered the process of hardship before we achieve this sweet success!!! Thank you, Lord!

Once again. HAPPY EASTER!!!

啊！！！考试完了！！！晔！

2007-04-05T23:31:00.001+08:00

哗，好久没在部落里留言了因为最近为了忙考试而没时间上网。真好！！我终于在昨天的四月四号结束了我的考试长跑。虽然只不过是年中考试，但至少我可暂时放下心中大石，过些没考试压力的大学生活。没考试的感觉真棒！！！！

昨晚，我到圣方济教堂去告解。我也终于将挣扎好久的心事一一地说出。心中的结也得到了解放。Praise the Lord!!!! 现在，我会尽量的保持沉默来迎接复活节的到来。希望在这几天，我不会犯下什么大错吧！

说道我这考试长跑，我可真累死了！！征服了一波又一波的考试，有时也难免受到挫折。有时当我在深夜里熬夜时，很想放弃读书！不想读了！！可是想到爸爸妈妈含辛茹苦地让我读大学，便咬紧牙根地拼下去。

在以为可松口气时，MMU又搬来了一大堆的Assignments!!!! 哇！！！好刻薄啊！！！！这边辛苦了，那边又来！待我赶完这些Assignments 之后，年终大考又在向我招手了。天啊！！！

My feeling towards SOME POEPLE!!

2007-04-02T00:08:00.000+08:00

Today, I had the most tiring day in MMU. After church round 12:30pm, I'm suppose to help out in MMU for decorations. Since time is short, I rushed to the hawker centre and bought packets of 'zhap fan' for lunch and rushed to Elaine's house. I was using my mother's car. It was quite lucky that I do so because Elaine had many other big decoration things to carry and my mum's car is big enough to carry them all once. Then, we went to JJ to buy chocolate paper for our decoration. Well, I can say that having a car is so fantastic!

In MMU, Elaine, me, Zheng Xian, Jasmine and Michelle each had our own job to do. Me and Elaine were drawing, cutting and pasting the tree trunk while the other 3 were crumpling tissue papers. All of these items are to use for later as materials for our blossom tree. It was such a tiring job!!! We had to squad down most of the time and decorate it! Even when we reached the part of simply pasting up our so-called 'blossoms' (which was actually all the crumpled tissue papers)! Though sitting down, our hands didn't stop moving! All of us were working hard! What I am most disappointed was when some of the committees came in and saw that some of us were taking a short break from out job and claimed that we weren't doing our job! How can they accused us like that? Is just happened that we were taking a break while they came by! Haven't they know that we were having a hard time decorating our partition? Our sweat, groans, pain, worries and difficulties, did they ever know? I even felt that all our efforts won't be appreciated by them! Oh, how can they!!!! I was SO pissed off at that time!!!!

Luckily, I managed to sneak back home to take my 30 mins bath and dinner. My parents were complaining that I'm not spending enough time for my studies. Haven't they understand that University life is not all about study? Life is so boring if I were to be a NERD!! Round 8:30pm, all working committees were to gather in a small lecture hall for our event briefing. Shockingly, I only knew that tomorrow is our event opening ceremony! Oops, my fault, sorry! Yea, finally the boiling point arrived. I wasn't really pleased by the way the leader treated us and also some of their branch leaders. Those branch leaders were also sharing the same kind of burden as them and why are they treating them as though they are their servants that must do all the leader's bid dings? Aren't we all a BIG FAMILY??? If so, why am I not feeling welcomed and accepted by them? How come there isn't a tinge of warmth in my heart? If we ARE a FAMILY, I assumed that at least all our hard work would be appreciated but not always criticizing the working com ms for not doing our job. Selling cultural night tickets are different from selling movie tickets. We can't force people to come and watch a culture which they are not familiar with. Chances of meeting people with this certain kind of interest is low and even there is, those people are already in the committee!!! How are we supposed to sell out that much? Yes, I agree that with our man power we can sell a lot, but have they considered from the buyers' point of view? Many of them are students and some of them are having exams, projects, assignments at this peak period of time. Even if I could find some people who are interested to come for the night, they also can't give me an absolute answer because they are still considering. I still can't imagine why people can force the committee so hard to sell tickets and saying that they are not doing their job. I don't feel this is a way to motivate us. Instead, they are like killing our confidences and spirit. Why man? Don't have to do that! We know our job and we ARE doing it!!! We are trying our best to do our job!!! Can't you guys think from our point of view before coming into a conclusion? Care for us a little and you'll understand!! You said we ARE A BIG FAMILY!!!

Sometimes I feel that it's not easy to become a leader which everyone respects. You may be the brightest student in the class but you cannot portray a leader's quality, is just like putting sheep skin on a lamb. What a good leader must have is the most basic of all-personal relationship and delegation. A good leader will never come into conclusion before they tell somebody off. Besides, good leaders will know when to motivate team members and make them feel their work are being appreciated, not condemning all the way!!!! Moreover, leaders will know good manners!!! When people do work for them, they will say 'thanks!!!' and end up with a sincere smile :) !!! Come on, it's just so simple!!! And then people will start to like you!!! Then, delegation. I don't think I want to further elaborate on this delegation topic because I believe every leader know about it and how to do it. The most important thing is, never pressure the members too much until they can't stand the workload! Yes, becoming a leader is not easy but these basics are a MUST!!!! If not, I find it hard to work along with other members. All it counts is what comes from the inside. If we can do such a grand event but the committees are not united, all of these would be just a say; not a solid legend.

All of us can be leaders, but can we become a great leader??? Is always a question mark in our hearts.

Long and Tired Day

2007-03-23T23:21:00.000+08:00

Today had a long day in MMU. Classes followed by classes until 5:30pm. Then I had to rush to church for Station of the Cross followed by mass. After that straight went for Core Team Meeting. Phew~~ Life's a rush man! I nearly fall on the floor to sleep while during the Station. Thank God I still got energy to sing!

I still haven't started my FRS revision...die~~!!! How I hoped I got half the Gilbert's brain and a quarter of Gah Hung's brain! Then I can study easily! But then...back to reality....study la....

Kla, I wanna zz d....before I pengsan in front of the book....Wish me luck in my FRS revision!! I need them a lot!!!

~Things are finally getting back to normal~

2007-03-22T23:27:00.000+08:00

Today, I had to rushed all my way to MMU coz I was actually late for my fliers giving turn at CLC at 12pm. I was 5 mins late (as usual...Malaysians~~). Luckily, there weren't any fliers left at that time and Calvin had to take from the photostat shop near the hostel which was packed with students during lunch break. Grabbing the opportunity, I went to the bank to withdraw some cash planning to pay for my Reader's Digest subscription. Today was the LAST DAY!! How can i missed it?! I must get my hands on my fav magazine!!!

After a few rounds of distributing fliers (yeah...finally Calvin came in with 1000++ fliers....), and some sneaking to the photostat shop (for my ID copy), I finally could passed up my subscription form to the uncle! Though he reckoned Times Magazine instead but I still orb ed for my Reader's Digest.

Class today was as boring as can be. I learned Fiscal Policy and had quite a hard time trying not to doze off. Thank God for Jim to help me to take down notes! (actually he wanted it for himself!) During my 5 mins break, I finally went and bought myself a hairband, vodoodoll and a fluffy HP bag!! I felt damp satisfied!! Really nice!!! :P

At night, I went for my Precious Session. It was about how to do the daily prayers from a prayer book! Me and Cornelia were actually STUDYING the book and found it quite interesting! (IF you've have the free time to actually practice it!!). I felt it was a fruitful session though I don't think I'll pray for 3 hours a day.

Then, on my way back, I saw this familiar car...sighs~~~ That car does brings back a lot of memories man....happy, very happy, slowly not happy, no more happy, tears, more tears, heartbreak, and NOW- Pinches of heartache. Sighs~~ time DOES flies! After so many months, so many things have changed. The feeling of me starring at the car from my window compared from last time and now is totally different. Yes, things are finally falling back into place. I once thought that this day would never come and finally it has arrived! Swiftly without a sound, it has arrived! My wounded heart is now slowly mending. Just waiting for the day for me to get heal totally!! Well, I also hoped for that day to come. Where I can breath fresh air, sing my heart out, feel the people around me and what's more! To be able to trust somebody and to fall in love again. I'm sure that's what every brokenhearted people longs for. A freedom of heartache!

That's all for today! I've got a FRS Exam comin and classes tomorrow. Gambateh!! Nitezzz!

我又有新歌了！！！

2007-03-21T22:13:00.000+08:00

过了好久，我也渐渐地开始放手了。从此，开始学习坚强地生活下去。

这首歌是续上回我伤心时的另一首歌。虽然不是什么自创的，但够我作为日后的警惕！

这首歌叫做－心太软

你总是心太软心太软

独自一个人流泪到天亮

你无怨无悔的爱着那个人

我知道你根本没那么坚强